ADHD and Relationships: How Couples Can Get Stuck in the Parent–Child Dynamic

A core aspect of ADHD is not feeling the pressure of the deadline until it gets a lot closer. In couples, this means that the non-ADHD partner probably has more tasks and deadlines on their mental radar. This then creates a situation where they are the one driving what gets done and when. They become the boss or parent in the relationship and the ADHD partner winds up feeling like the employee or child who is told what to do—and also criticized if they don’t do it as expected. Add to this that ADHD creates struggles with organizing tasks, planning ahead, remembering to do things, and staying on track, and the non-ADHD partner too often feels like they need to oversee everything and the ADHD partner feels like they too often miss the mark.

My couples find it helpful to understand how this dynamic is not only common, but also makes sense, even if neither partner really wants it. This understanding also explains why addressing ADHD more effectively can shift this dynamic. If the partner with ADHD gets on medication and learns better strategies for managing their ADHD and handling daily responsibilities, then they can step up more at home. Meanwhile, the non-ADHD partner learns strategies to not only work better with their partner, but also to manage their own anxiety about daily demands while also asking for what is most important to them. The key is for both partners to see that they have the ability to shift the dynamic.

I say that ADHD is a disorder of converting intentions reliably into actions. This is what the executive functions do—they help us navigate a complex world with competing stimuli so as to create a better future. When someone’s ADHD isn’t well managed, they miss the mark more often. They show up late, forget to do what they said they would do, leave a trail of items in their wake, leap into new projects before completing the open ones, etc. All of this can look like the ADHD partner just does what they want and leaves the boring tasks to their partner, despite promises to change their ways. They seem to mean it when they say it, but the desired actions don’t follow.

All of this can leave the non-ADHD partner to wonder about the ADHD partner’s true intentions since there is so often a gap between what is said and what is done. Over time, it can even lead to them wondering about their partner’s character. Or about what they can expect or even ask for in the relationship. It can be demoralizing for both partners.

Most of the ADHD adults I see really do care and want to be a good partner. They want to be reliable and counted on. They want their partner to believe them and feel reassured when they promise to do something. But somewhere between “I’ve got this” and the actual doing, something hijacks their attention and those good intentions get pushed aside. I half-jokingly say that the slogan of ADHD time management is, by the time you feel it, it’s too late. As in, when you wait too long to make dinner, it’s a scramble to get something on the table. Or when you forget to pay a bill, it’s too late when the next notice shows up. This repeats in a thousand ways, despite heartfelt promises to do better next time.

As much as their partner is frustrated and disappointed at these lapses, the adult with ADHD has a lifetime of falling short, whether it’s missed homework, showing up late for events, forgetting about work meetings, etc. Even when others don’t notice these lapses or near misses, they themselves know all too well that they scrambled at the last minute and somehow managed to pull it off—for example, staying up all night to study for a test or winging that work presentation they forgot about. So, even the successes can feel tainted.

The parent/child dynamic can really tank a couple’s sex life. The too frequent tension, criticism, and nagging destroys that spark, let alone a sense of sexual generosity. The couple stops having fun together, whether with their clothes on or off. This then drains away that sense of connection or goodwill that happy couples can rely on for when they hit some bumps. All the free passes have been used up, so every new frustration pushes the couple farther apart. All of this completely makes sense when the couple continues to have the same struggles and is unable to sustain any meaningful change.

The good news is that identifying and addressing the one partner’s ADHD, as well as whatever the other partner has going on, begins to shift their dynamic. This makes them better teammates in not only handling the responsible side of adult life, but also better able to enjoy each other again. Both sides of the relationship are important and working on one will likely benefit the other, too.  Each partner may place a different value on the business versus fun side of the relationship, but both have their part to play in creating a fully satisfying relationship.

Undiagnosed or insufficiently managed ADHD can cast a long shadow on a relationship, but it also responds pretty well to the right strategies and treatments. It can help for the partners to see ADHD as something that they are working on together. As with any couples therapy, we help each partner see what they can do differently so as to create a more satisfying relationship. It’s easy to focus on the ADHD partner as the one who needs to do most of the changing, but that framing makes the non-ADHD partner an observer who needs to hope for the best. Rather, every relationship is still a two person job and each partner has some choices to make about how they respond to what life and their partner brings. Identifying ADHD and the dynamics that ensue gives the couple a short-list of strategies that are more likely to be effective, after years of strategies that didn’t work. So, there can be a real and justified hope for something better once they (and their therapist) understand how ADHD is showing up in their relationship.