Question 1

My partner snores heavily and has not gotten help for over 15 years. I have chronic pain and two kids with special needs, so I haven’t slept well in YEARS. Can sleeping separately lead to more marital problems and intimacy problems?

Wendy Troxel · Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry to hear you have been struggling so much. My first recommendation is that both you and your husband need to seek medical treatment to determine if there is an underlying sleep disorder (i.e., sleep apnea) causing his snoring (and your sleepless nights) and better management of your chronic pain. Sleeping separately does not necessarily mean you will have more marital problems or less intimacy. However, being chronically sleep-deprived absolutely can wreak havoc on your relationship! In my book (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08F791ZGW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1), I summarize the research showing how sleepless nights can lead to poorer communication, less empathy, and more irritability and depression, all of which can be a toxic combination for relationships.

Question 2

Not a question, but I insisted on separate blankets to help with better sleep. No more tugging on blankets, but my husband did not like this idea.

Wendy Troxel · Accepted Answer

Way to be creative! There are many solutions out there for couples. The key is to prioritize getting healthy sleep as a cornerstone of health in general, and healthy relationships in particular!

Question 3

What are the disadvantages of a sleep divorce and what can you do to overcome them?

Wendy Troxel · Accepted Answer

If you choose to sleep apart as a couple, the big concern is that this could lead to a lack of intimacy. But sleeping apart doesn't have to mean a loveless or sexless relationship! Couples who choose to sleep apart simply need to be proactive about making time for intimacy and perhaps preserving that critical shared time together in bed before going to sleep. For many couples, that time in bed before nodding off is a really important time to unwind, be intimate, and just connect with your partner.

Question 4

Is a sleep divorce only recommended for couples who are disrupted by their partner in bed while trying to sleep, or should everyone do it regardless?

Wendy Troxel · Accepted Answer

As I mention in my book (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08F791ZGW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) and in my TEDx talk (https://www.ted.com/talks/wendy_troxel_how_to_sleep_like_your_relationship_depends_on_it), there is no one-size fits all sleeping strategy for "everyone", so it's important to avoid being too prescriptive about this very intimate and personal decision. Couples may choose to sleep apart for lots of reasons, including a sleep disturbance in one or both partners, differing schedules, or the presence of children and nighttime caregiving responsibilities. But that doesn't mean sleeping apart is the right choice for all couples.

Question 5

How can couples sleep separately if there are not enough bedrooms in the house? Are separate beds in the same room enough to reap the benefits?

Wendy Troxel · Accepted Answer

Limited space can cause challenges for couples who wish to sleep apart. If the issue is tossing and turning or sheet-stealing, then one option is to try the "Scandinavian Method" - this involves two twin beds pushed together, which makes a king-size bed, but allows for individual bedding preferences. However, if noise disruption is the issue, but separate bedrooms are not an option, then it's best to try other practical strategies, like earplugs or white noise machines, to minimize the disruption.

Question 6

Is our sleep that much better when we sleep alone?

Wendy Troxel · Accepted Answer

There really is no one "right" answer when it comes to sleeping arrangements. The limited data that exists suggests that objectively (when sleep is monitored with wrist-worn devices), people sleep a bit worse when sharing a bed, but subjectively (when you ask them how they feel about their sleep), they prefer to sleep with a partner. This suggests that for some people, there are psychological benefits to sharing a bed that outweigh the objective "costs". In all likelihood, there is probably some threshold where sleeping apart may have real benefits for your sleep. For instance, if you sleep with a partner who severely disrupts your sleep, then sleeping separately may be the best choice.

Question 7

Would a mixed sleeping schedule work? My husband's movements in the night wake me up and disrupt my sleep but I also like the security and safe feeling of having him there. Is half the week together and half apart too disruptive to a sleep routine?

Wendy Troxel · Accepted Answer

I've spoken to many couples who have temporary sleeping apart strategies, and that works very well for them. For example, some couples may find that during the work week, they sleep best when they sleep apart. But on the weekends, when the pressure is lower since they don't have to wake up for work in the morning, they have a "sleep reunion". Some couples find that this strategy actually spices up their sex life because it is something to look forward to. That said, having a consistent sleep routine is important, so it's a good idea to experiment and see if this temporary strategy works for you. You could build in some consistency, for instance, by using the same pillow when sharing a bed and when sleeping solo.

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