Sexuality and Relationship Cycles
EFT: Attachment Science in PracticeIt is worth noting that that occasionally sexuality creates its own specific negative cycle. And a couple will talk to you about the fact that they're not having sex and that sex is difficult between the two of them. And the therapist will go in and actually pay attention to what cycle is happening in their sexual life. Very often, the cycle, the dance that's happening in their sexual life is the exact same dance that is going on in the rest of the relationship.
But occasionally not, one of the deviations that happens a lot is that a withdrawn man in a relationship will not make bids for connection and emotional connection. He doesn't quite know how to do that. But what he will do is make bids for sex. And usually, unless he can talk about that in an emotionally open way, which he can't, if he's a withdrawer, that bid for sex comes across as a bid for give me an orgasm. It does not come across as an attachment bid. What's interesting for us in EFT is when we go into these men's emotions, they often are able to tell us that really is not all about orgasm.
We have this thing in our culture that men are obsessed with orgasm. But in fact, what these men tell us is In the end, the underlying emotional feeling here is these men want to feel desired. And when they're making love to their partner, That's when they suddenly have a moment of security.