Question 1

Hi, 
What is the easiest way to set boundaries with abusive and (alcoholic) manipulative family members who know too much about you? Thanks.

Sharon Martin · Accepted Answer

The first thing to know is that setting boundaries with someone who is abusive, alcoholic, and manipulative is never easy!

Safety needs to be your top priority. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency services. And if you’re being physically hurt, please seek help from The National Domestic Violence Hotline  (U.S.) https://www.thehotline.org/ or Women’s Aid (U.K.) https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ or a local service provider.

In general, when setting boundaries with a “difficult” person such as this, you need to focus on changing your own behavior rather than trying to get the other person to change. It’s very difficult to get someone with these characteristics/behaviors to change—no matter how nicely you ask or how many times you make a request. And doing so may escalate the conflict further.

The most effective way to set boundaries is to focus on what you can control. For example, if this person is yelling at you, you can leave the room or hang up the phone.

In addition, be mindful of how much personal information you share with this person going forward. Notice when you’re most likely to overshare (Is it when you’re angry? When you’ve been drinking? When you’re overtired? Etc.) Being aware of these vulnerable times will help you to be more prepared—and maintain your boundaries.

For additional information, please see my article How to Set Boundaries with “Toxic” People (https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/set-boundaries-toxic-people/) and Chapter 11 of The Better Boundaries Workbook (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08WHHSD31/), which details how to set boundaries with “difficult” people.

Question 2

What are the steps to take if you know  that setting a boundary will result in conflict?

Sharon Martin · Accepted Answer

•	Prioritize your safety. Consider whether it would be safer to set the boundary when others are around to help if needed.
•	Have an exit plan in case you need to leave.
•	Write down what you want to say ahead of time, so you don’t get flustered in the moment.
•	Think about how you can reduce the likelihood of conflict without conceding. For example, make sure you present your boundary with kindness and clarity, use a pleasant tone of voice, and pick a time when the other person is attentive, sober, and willing to listen. 
•	Go into the conversation with a positive mindset and feeling calm and confident. You can try a grounding exercise or another soothing activity to help you prepare.
•	Alternatively, consider whether you actually need to explain your boundary or ask the other person to change. Sometimes, you can set boundaries by making changes that don’t necessarily need to be discussed (especially if doing so will increase conflict). For example, you can simply block an ex-partner’s incessant text messages instead of asking them to stop. 
•	If there is a conflict, practice self-care and get support from friends, loved ones, or professionals.

Question 3

Hi Sharon, 
When stating a boundary, do you start with a simple request for them to stop doing what they are doing?  What if they do not recognize what they are doing?

Sharon Martin · Accepted Answer

A boundary can be a simple request for someone to change their behavior. For example: “Please, don’t call me sweetie.”
If the other person is unaware that their behavior is hurtful or bothersome, it might be helpful to provide some context or share your feelings. For example: “I feel demeaned when you call me sweetie. Please, call me Sharon. That would feel more respectful.”

You may need to set the same boundary multiple times, especially if the other person has been behaving this way for quite some time. If you gently bring awareness to the issue a few times, most people will become more self-aware. However, there are a minority of people who are unwilling or unable to recognize their own hurtful behaviors and make changes. In which case, there are other approaches that you can use for setting boundaries that I outline in The Better Boundaries Workbook (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08WHHSD31/).

Question 4

Hi Sharon,
How do you suggest we deal with anxiety provoking fear prior to setting a boundary?

Sharon Martin · Accepted Answer

You want to go into the conversation feeling calm and confident. I recommend starting with some breathing exercises (https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/3-simple-breathing-exercises-to-reduce-anxiety/), a short meditation, or whatever you find relaxing. Writing a script (you don’t have to follow it exactly; it’s to help you clarify your thoughts before sharing them) is another way to feel prepared for a difficult boundary-setting conversation. And rehearsing is another strategy that can help reduce your anxiety. You can rehearse with a trusted friend or by yourself by stating your boundary aloud or visualizing yourself asking for what you need.

Question 5

How do you create healthy boundaries with a elderly parent , who has had mental health issues her whole life? She continues to be manipulative despite her declining health. Memories of the past resurface with each new episode that we encounter.

Sharon Martin · Accepted Answer

Here are some suggestions and things to consider when setting boundaries with your parent:

•	Have realistic expectations. Your parent probably won’t change.
•	Be clear about the amount and type of help that you’re willing/able to give. If possible, outsource some of the caregiving or divide duties with siblings or other family members, so it doesn’t all fall on you.
•	Take good care of yourself. Recognize that this is a stressful experience, and you’re being retraumatized. Consider therapy or joining a caregiver support group.

Question 6

Hi Sharon, 
kindly advise how to set boundaries with narcissistic people especially people with power and authority. Thank you.

Sharon Martin · Accepted Answer

Narcissistic people are unlikely to change. So, don’t get into power struggles with them or expect that they will respect your boundaries. You want to shift your thinking from “How can I get the other person to change or respect my boundaries?” to “What can I do to take care of myself in this situation?”. This might include actions such as leaving the room, hanging up the phone, not engaging in an argument, not inviting someone to your home, or avoiding contentious topics. These may not be ideal boundaries, but they are useful because they are things you have the power to do. More information about setting boundaries with “difficult” people, including narcissists, is available in this blog post (https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/set-boundaries-toxic-people/) and in The Better Boundaries Workbook (Chapter 11) https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08WHHSD31/.

Question 7

Is teaching boundaries to people on the Autism Spectrum different from teaching neurotypical people? Any tips?

Sharon Martin · Accepted Answer

People on the autism spectrum have a wide range of abilities, so the approach will need to be tailored to fit the individual’s strengths and abilities. In general, I would aim to keep the boundaries simple and consistent as people on the autism spectrum can have difficulty adapting to changes and reading social cues. Some other helpful tips can be found on these websites: 
https://www.autismspeaks.org/social-skills-and-autism
https://autismallianceofmichigan.org/setting-expectations/
https://teenage-resource.middletownautism.com/teenage-issues-and-strategies/relationships-and-sexuality/relationships/boundaries-public-private-personal-space/
https://www.pesi.com/blog/details/1085/how-to-teach-a-child-with-autism-about-personal-space

Question 8

What is your advice in building boundaries with people who use guilt tripping when you try to set them? Thanks.

Sharon Martin · Accepted Answer

As you probably know, guilt-tripping is manipulative, and some people use it intentionally to pressure friends and family members to do what they want. They often feel justified in doing so. However, they may not be aware of how destructive it is to their relationships because they’re so focused on themselves. The important thing to remember is that the guilt trip reflects the guilt-tripper’s need for control—not that you’re doing something wrong.

You can talk to the other person about their behavior (guilt-tripping) and how it’s affecting you and ask them to directly communicate their needs and feelings. This may or may not work depending on the person and your relationship with them.

Alternatively, you can work on changing your thoughts and feelings. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is often helpful for this. I outline some basic CBT techniques in The Better Boundaries Workbook (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08WHHSD31/) to help you reduce feelings of guilt associated with setting boundaries.

Question 9

Would love to hear your tips for teaching/discussing boundaries with teens.  What they are, setting them, flexible boundaries, rigid ones, etc. And especially any visuals or videos you use?  Thank you so much

Sharon Martin · Accepted Answer

Many of the tools that I use to teach boundaries can be found in The Better Boundaries Workbook (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08WHHSD31/), including information on what boundaries are, how to set them, and the difference between weak and rigid boundaries. 
Active learning activities are often effective and engaging for teens. Some of my favorite activities for teaching teens about boundaries are role-playing and having them make their own creative videos about boundaries. You can also use clips from movies or television shows to spark discussions about healthy and unhealthy boundaries. Alternatively, you could ask teens to find examples of healthy and unhealthy boundaries in movies, TV shows, music lyrics, books, and on social media.

Question 10

What resources on this topic do you give to clients?

Sharon Martin · Accepted Answer

Most of the resources that I use with my clients are included in The Better Boundaries Workbook (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08WHHSD31/). This includes specific how-to steps, reflective questions, and exercises to build boundary-setting skills. I also use some short videos (https://www.youtube.com/playlist?app=desktop&list=PL3R0Zx0Yn5gW4DpSoBOFQi2_n6Dw4DmVi) that I created to explain various components of boundaries.

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