Question 1

What is your best advice as I build a new relationship with my about to be daughter in law? to be married Aug 2023. She struggles to look at me & interact with me, when I attempt to engage her I get very short answers. I want to know her & be known.

Deanna Brann · Accepted Answer

The key to building your relationship with her is to go slowly and understand that the two of you did not choose each other but are together because of your son. There must be reasons why she behaves the way she does with you, which may have nothing to do specifically with you.

(more detailed info on the MIL/DIL issues can be found in “Reluctantly Related: Secrets to Getting Along With Your Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law” https://www.amazon.com/Reluctantly-Related-Mother-Law-Daughter-ebook/dp/B01LF8IMKU)

Although you may not see yourself this way, she may feel intimidated by you. (your confidence, strength, etc.) Ask your son what she is interested in so that when you are with her, you can ask her open ended questions about those interests. It will take time and again, go slowly to give her time to become comfortable with you.

Question 2

How do you handle a mother-in-law who is in love with your husbands ex wife? She brings her up all the time, is always saying how amazing she is, she talks with her all the time. She hated the ex when she was married to her son but now loves her.

Deanna Brann · Accepted Answer

It is important that you and your husband speak to his mother together. Doing so shows her that the two of you are a united front and speak as one. Let her know that bringing up his ex is disrespectful to both of you and then set boundaries with her as well as consequences – eg. “If you bring up the ex while we are with you, we will leave immediately.” The key is when you set a boundary, you must follow through with the consequence.

Question 3

Why is it that mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationships are so often strained?

Deanna Brann · Accepted Answer

4 main reasons:
* It is an artificial relationship – neither the MIL nor DIL chose to be in each other’s life.
* Both are in different stages in life as well as different emotional places.
* Each woman is coming into the relationship with their own personal history and emotional issues, which often means each woman has different expectations of their relationship as well as their own skewed perspectives of things.
* Both women are competing for the influence they have over the man they both love. Mom for the influence she had as he was growing up & the wife for wanting to replace his mother as the most important woman in his life. 
 
(more detailed info can be found in “Reluctantly Related: Secrets to Getting Along With Your Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law” https://www.amazon.com/Reluctantly-Related-Mother-Law-Daughter-ebook/dp/B01LF8IMKU)

Question 4

Is there a culture that has particularly good mother/daughter-in-law relationships and what can we learn from them?

Deanna Brann · Accepted Answer

Having worked with women all over the globe, I have not found a particular culture that has this relationship figured out and are doing well. Some cultures appear to have specific roles and hierarchy, but they still have the MIL/DIL issues.

Question 5

How does the relationship between an adult son and his mother affect the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship?

Deanna Brann · Accepted Answer

Equally as much as the DIL’s relationship with her own mother. Both husband and wife need to emotionally separate from their mothers so that they can become the adults they were meant to be. Neither should have to “get rid” of their family of origin to be in their marriage, however both need to realize that their parents are secondary to their marriage.

Question 6

What is the best way to deal with a mother-in-law who constantly criticises you?

Deanna Brann · Accepted Answer

Set boundaries with her along with consequences. Let her know that the next time she criticizes you, you will 
___________, filling in the blank with what you will do – e.g.: hang up the phone, leave her house, go to another room, etc. The key is that you have to follow through with what you say, with no discussion (since you’ve already told her what to expect). Do this every time she criticizes so that she gets the message.

Question 7

Can couple's therapy help a couple where the husband's mother is having a negative impact on their relationship?

Deanna Brann · Accepted Answer

Yes, absolutely. Helping a couple communicate better with each other instead of falling into their usual patterns of communicating will help them be able to “hear” one another and thus, be able to move forward.

Question 8

How do you help a client who feels trapped in divided loyalty between his mother and wife? Whose side should he take if forced, especially if it is around things like finances and time?

Deanna Brann · Accepted Answer

The first thing is to figure out if what is going on is a marital issue or a MIL issue. (See chapter 10 – Marriage, MILs & Mayhem in “Reluctantly Related Revisited: Breaking Free of the Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Conflict” https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01A5TS70A/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i1)

There will be times when the MIL is off base, and other times the wife will be off base, so it is not fair for the husband/son to have to always choose a particular side. His role will be to help one or the other (maybe both) see what is really going on; by asking a lot of questions to get to the bottom of things instead of trying to fix it, he can stay out of the middle. Let his mother or wife come to a better solution on their own.

Question 9

Everyone talks about setting firm boundaries in these situations but what if that means disconnection and being cut out of each others lives?

Deanna Brann · Accepted Answer

On rare occasions, that can happen where you have to remove yourself from the toxic person, but often times when people talk about setting boundaries, they do not include establishing consequences with follow-through. Or, if they do have consequences, they do not have the follow-through. It is critical to tell the person what your boundary is and what the consequence will be ahead of time so that the person knows what will happen if they do a particular behavior; that way, they have a choice. But also expect them to test you – because they will, which is why follow-through is key.

Question 10

Why is it that the husband can often comfortably sit on the outside of the triangle dynamic between him, his wife and mother and avoid responsibility for any role that he may play in the situation?

Deanna Brann · Accepted Answer

The question is – Is he really avoiding responsibility or is he trying to stay out of the drama? Often times it is important that the two women sort out their struggles with one another independent of the husband/son. It is important to know the difference between specific MIL issues and those that are really marital issues that get put on the MIL.

(See chapter 10 – Marriage, MILs & Mayhem in “Reluctantly Related Revisited: Breaking Free of the Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Conflict” https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01A5TS70A/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i1)

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