Question 1

Can women ever understand the sex drive of men?

Sarah Hunter Murray · Accepted Answer

Our society has many rigid stereotypes about men and women’s sexuality and we can all benefit from exploring whether those messages come from and asking whether we want to do things differently in our relationships. I believe women can benefit greatly by challenging their assumptions and getting curious about their male partner’s sexual desire, asking themselves whether they give space for the more touchy feely romantic parts of his sexuality or if they place him in a box where “all he wants is sex.”

Question 2

Can it be normal as a guy not to desire/want sex?

Sarah Hunter Murray · Accepted Answer

Absolutely. Research shows that approximately 15% of men meet the criteria for problematic low sexual desire (i.e., sexual desire that they find distressing ). Further, my research shows that there are many men who, even without distressing low sexual desire, have plenty of times where they might not be in the mood. Some of the most common reasons are feeling sick or being tired but there are also more emotional reasons such as feeling disconnected from one’s partner and mental reasons such as feeling stressed or being focused on other life demands such as childrearing and work.

Question 3

How can we help men who sincerely want to be loyal cope with their strong libido which leads them to frequent various forms of pornography or risque social media, in guilty secret from their wives?

Sarah Hunter Murray · Accepted Answer

First, consider what individual sexual activities work within your relationship to help bridge the gap between sexual encounters with a partner. Masturbating and watching pornography can be a helpful way for some couples to manage different levels of sexual desire and isn’t inherently shameful or even bad for a relationship as long as both people are on board with it.

Separate from pornography, my research suggests that men want to feel desired and connected to their partner, but that doesn’t always have to include sex. For example, men have described that they can feel desired when their female partner gives him compliments or initiates romantic touch like a hug, kiss, or cuddle. When one person has higher desire than the other, it often leads to a pattern of rejection. The underlying worry tends to be “does my partner still want me” or “are they still attracted to me?” Expressing our desire in other ways can help keep us happy and confident in our relationships even if we’re not having sex as often as one partner might ideally want.

Question 4

Why do people (especially males) tend to think males have a higher sex drive than females? How does sex drive get measured and compared in clinical studies?

Sarah Hunter Murray · Accepted Answer

There is a widespread belief that men have higher sexual desire than women. This stems, in part, from evolutionary theory, which suggests that males are wired to spread their seed and (at least in theory) always be ready to have sex with an available and interested woman. In contrast, women are theorized to have evolved to be selective about sexual partners as they are left with the responsibilities of pregnancy, birth, and childrearing. Society reinforces this gender dichotomy by giving more allowances to men to express their sexuality openly while women tend to be shamed and tamed into being demure about their sexual desires.

There is data to suggest that men and women are greatly impacted by these social “rules.” Specifically, men have been found to exaggerate the number of past sexual partners and their pornography use when they believe their answers will be seen by a peer, yet provide lower numbers when they believe they are attached to a lie detector test. Similarly, women downplay their number of sexual partners and porn viewing when they are told their answers will be seen by a peer and increase their numbers when told they are attached to a lie detector test.

However, research reliably shows that, when looking at men and women who are in relationships with one another, men and women are just as equally likely to have the higher (or lower) levels of sexual desire.

Question 5

Does male sexual desire change much with age?

Sarah Hunter Murray · Accepted Answer

When we look at general trends, the answer is yes. Hormone levels, particularly testosterone, are higher when men are in their teenage years and early twenties, which tends to be linked to higher sexual desire. However, as men age, particularly after age 30, testosterone levels are found to decrease gradually. However, it’s not just hormones. As we get older, men also face greater stress and life demands that, quite understandably, take away from sexual urges. For example, paying bills, fatherhood, work demands, and less free time can all contribute to decreased sexual desire for men as they get older.

Question 6

My husband and I have been married for 15 years - how can these findings help us spice things up in the bedroom?

Sarah Hunter Murray · Accepted Answer

For couples in mixed-sex relationships, it can be very freeing to challenge out-dated sexual stereotypes that suggest men are expected to initiate and be dominant during sex while women act as the gatekeepers who say yes or no. As a therapist, I’ve seen many positive changes occur in mixed-sex relationships when men can be more open about the emotional aspects of their sexuality – articulating that they want to feel close and connected (not just “get off” during sex) and when women step into more assertive roles by expressing their sexual interest through initiating versus being responsive to their partner’s advances.

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