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Hi. If you raise a child with a recovering narcissist, or say a narcissist that is not too far out on the spectrum, with whom empathy prompts works and boundaries are respected, what would you recommend to prevent the child from developing the same attachments problems as the narcissistic parent?

Craig Malkin · Accepted Answer

The most reliable way of preventing children from becoming extremely narcissistic is to model attachment security.  According to research, as long as they have one parent they feel secure with, they’ll have everything they need to remain in the healthy range of the narcissism spectrum: they have you.

When your child learns with at least one parent that any feeling can be openly acknowledged, shared, and understood, that help can always be sought, without fear of reprisal or judgment—that it’s safe, in short, to turn to others in mutually caring and connected ways—they’ll never develop NPD or attachment difficulties. And the best way of guaranteeing attachment security is to show them that no matter what challenge they face—even if it’s one of their parents, including you!—you’ll be there to listen and help them.

The rule here is feelings first.  Don’t get into the whole “your mom or dad does that to me, too” conversation. It isn’t necessary to talk about your own difficulties with your ex to help your child; it’s enough that they’re bringing their feelings to you about anything upsetting that happens. Let them talk about it.  And if they need help that only an adult can provide—say, protecting them from a harsh outburst—step in and do that. “OK—let give Daddy Or Mommy some time to cool down. We’ll go for walk.”

If it’s really bad—name-calling, criticism, insults—step in and protect your child. “I know you’re angry, but I can’t allow this.”

“I’m sorry Mom isn’t listening right now, sweetheart. I know how awful that feels. It makes sense that you feel sad and angry. I would, too.”

With little children, it’s less about talk and more about action: remove them from emotional harm, then talk. Leave the room, go for a walk, or just go outside with them.

To the extent that we can depend on others, we won’t depend on feeling special (or fear it, in the case of echoism).

If your child can depend on you for care and safety, they’ll be just fine. That doesn’t mean you can prevent upset from ever happening. It means that you’ll acknowledge when it does happen---you'll see when they’re hurt and show that you care, deeply, about how that feels.

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