Question 1

How can one address their tendency to be the "peacemaker" or to feel responsible for others' conflicts after playing this role as a child?

David Allen · Accepted Answer

Once you’ve developed a role in your family like that, it can be very difficult to stop playing it, because if you do, family members tend to cluster together and all invalidate you in some way. This can lead to a sensation of almost terror sometimes accompanied by a sense of not knowing who you are any more (called "groundlessness"). Some families are way nicer than others in this regard, so if they are generally supportive, you can try discussing it with them. You may have some success in getting them to stop turning to you to do that. If you either don’t trust them or are afraid to bring it up, I outline the steps one can take to do it successfully in my inexpensive self-help book "Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents." ( https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Critical-Demanding-Dysfunctional-Parents/dp/1684030927/ref=pd_sbs_14_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1684030927&pd_rd_r=ZB8XRV7GQW4SMXB0JZZS&pd_rd_w=e2FY5&pd_rd_wg=QbkQG&psc=1&refRID=ZB8XRV7GQW4SMXB0JZZS)

Question 2

My stepmom is avoidant of conflict and anger. Avoidance is likely how she dealt with her own horrific childhood so how do I speak my mind knowing avoidance is how she's always coped?

David Allen · Accepted Answer

There are no simple answers since every case is somewhat different, so there isn’t any one-size-fits all solution. If she is not and was not significantly abusive, I have an inexpensive self help book, “Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents,” which provides a step by step strategy for approaching a variety of types of difficult parents, including avoidant ones, and getting them to change the way they interact with you (but not to try to “fix” them). It demands a lot of time and effort but I believe it is well worth it.

https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Critical-Demanding-Dysfunctional-Parents/dp/1684030927/ref=pd_sbs_14_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1684030927&pd_rd_r=ZB8XRV7GQW4SMXB0JZZS&pd_rd_w=e2FY5&pd_rd_wg=QbkQG&psc=1&refRID=ZB8XRV7GQW4SMXB0JZZS

Question 3

Why do adult children of dysfunctional parents carry shame even though they didn't chose their parents and have survived growing up with them?

David Allen · Accepted Answer

Shame, unlike guilt, usually stems from a sense of powerless in regards to people you really care about at some level - even if you don’t think that you do care. It is often induced by parents in dysfunctional families in order to prevent children from asserting themselves, following their true desires, or expressing their true opinions (self-actualization). People often start believing the hype and therefore feel inadequate, even when that is not true in the least. Shame also stops them from telling outsiders about what really goes on in their families behind closed doors.

Question 4

What kind of family dynamics shape personality disorders?

David Allen · Accepted Answer

That’s an excellent question. I go over what I believe to be a lot of the family dynamics specific to several personality disorders on my blog at Psychology Today.  Most are near the end of the list of posts and include the titles "The Family Dynamics of Patients With Borderline Personality," "Living Vicariously through Children with a Twist," "The Family Dynamics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and of Psychosomatic Illnesses," and more recently, "Dysfunctional Family Role: Black Sheep," and "Dysfunctional Family Role: The “Loser.”"

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/matter-personality

Question 5

Under what circumstances is it okay to cut yourself off from abusive parents?

David Allen · Accepted Answer

If serious abuse or denial about past abuse is ongoing, cutting off the abusive patients is actually the second best alternative. Unfortunately, we carry them around in our heads and their influence still persists even in the absence of contact. This often leads a person into ongoing repetitive dysfunctional behavior, poor romantic relationships, and despite everyone’s best efforts not to, passing down shared mental conflicts to the next generation. Still, cutting them off is much better than the third option: continuing to be abused. The best alternative is to find a therapist who can help you research the family background to help you find out why your parents act this way and design an effective strategy for getting them to stop any ongoing abuse or denial about the past. It’s not simple or easy to do, and unfortunately very few therapists know how to teach that. They are worth seeking out.

If your parents were not severely physically or sexually abusive, I have an inexpensive self help book, "Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents," that outlines how to do this without the help of a therapist.

https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Critical-Demanding-Dysfunctional-Parents/dp/1684030927/ref=pd_sbs_14_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1684030927&pd_rd_r=ZB8XRV7GQW4SMXB0JZZS&pd_rd_w=e2FY5&pd_rd_wg=QbkQG&psc=1&refRID=ZB8XRV7GQW4SMXB0JZZS

Question 6

My whole life, my family has accused me of being "too sensitive" - from a family systems point of view what is the function of this label? Thank you for taking my question.

David Allen · Accepted Answer

That accusation is most often a way to get you to shut up whenever you start to complain about the behavior of a family member. It often makes a person’s complaints feel invalid and makes them feel like a nobody. No particular thing you might try will always get them to stop making the accusation OR stop the offensive behavior, but if they are not now and have not been actually abusive, you might try saying something along the lines of, “Well, maybe I am too sensitive, but when you do that it really bothers me and I’d like you to stop it.”

If you think they’d just escalate or become more invalidating or even violent in response to that, don’t say it. You’ll probably need the help of a knowledgeable therapist to help you figure out something more effective. Unfortunately very few therapists know how to do that, but they are worth seeking out.

Question 7

Is there any other way to deal with a narcissistic parent other than no contact?

David Allen · Accepted Answer

Yes, there are, but there are no simple answers. Every case is different, so there isn’t any one-size-fits-all solution. You can read about what I believe to be typical family dynamics of narcissistic personality disorder on a post on my blog on "Psychology Today. It may give you some better understanding of why they act the way they do.

Confronting them and getting them to change the way they interact with you takes a lot of empathy, but they make it very difficult to be empathic with them. Effective strategies usually involve understanding that they really feel unappreciated underneath all of the bluster and the controlling behavior. Therapists who know how to teach you how to change the dynamics between you and such a parent are unfortunately quite rare, but they are worth seeking out.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/matter-personality/201110/the-family-dynamics-narcissistic-personality-disorder-and

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