Healing a Mother Daughter Relationship
EFT: Attachment Science in PracticeI'm now moving into move two of the tango with Laura. Exploring what happens to her when her daughter expresses pain rather than her daughter sending her angry cues, looking at whether she can tune into and respond to that pain, and wanting to explore any blocks that get in the way of her ability to respond to that pay. If you remember, move two of the tango is assembling and deepening emotion. It makes me feel like I'm-- I'm failing her. I don't know what to do with her and and I I just don't know how to reach her anymore, and and I it makes me feel lost and And that I-- I failed. I-- I don't So so okay. I'm gonna slow you down. Okay? Yeah. Because it's really difficult for us when we feel like we haven't been the parent we wanna be yet.
You help me. So What you're saying to your daughter is that when I hear that I'm I'm not giving you what you need, or when and sometimes when you get angry with me, right, and really angry with me, the place, what you usually do if I'm understanding is you go in your head, and you try to fix it, and you come up with a solution. The solution is you should move out. Yes. Right. But right here, something different is happening. Right? Here, we're kind of taking level down emotionally into what happens for you, right, not the problem-solving. Right. Laura, but what happens to you, what happens to you when you, your daughter says this or or, and again, when she gets mad, we talked about a bit that a bit last week.
When she gets mad at you, what happens is you go into feeling like you failed as a parent. Yeah. And you and you don't know what to do. I and I don't know what to do with her. I do feel like I failed her and I wanted to make her strong. And I think I just I didn't do that. I didn't succeed in making her a strong woman.
And and I don't know what to do with her throwing up. I'm I'm scared that she's gonna get sicker and die. And I I don't know how to handle it anymore. The fail, the failure is just so intense. Uh-huh. So you get overwhelmed, right? And you say I failed. And that, yeah, I'm worried of she sees you as not being worried about her. But in fact, what I'm hearing is that you're really worried about her, but it comes along with saying I'm lost. I don't know what to do.
Right? And those feelings are very difficult to sit with. Aren't they? So then you go into the solution has to be. She'll be she is strong. She she's I think you said to me, I had to move out when I was her age. Right? Yeah. So She's strong. So, you know, the solution must be for her to go and live with her cousin.
Right? But underneath all that is this dreadful feeling, that you failed her. And I did. I did fail her. I didn't spend enough time with her. I-- with Timmy and Ted and and work and me being sick back then. I just I didn't do enough. You're saying to your daughter, I feel like I haven't been, the mum I wanted to be for you.
And I'm scared I've let you down. That's what you're telling. Yes. And I definitely haven't been the moment I wanted to do for her. I want her to have a wonderful childhood and feel good about life. And and not for her to be sick and self-punishing of herself.
I just It's not what I wanted for her. Can you tell her that? Can you tell her that when I hear that you you feel that you shouldn't have to work so hard to get my support. You know, when when we're out of this yelling and me protecting myself by moving away, dance right here right now, and I hear that you feel that you don't get my support that upsets me, actually. And I feel like I'm I haven't been the month you I wanted to be.
I feel like I've somehow let you down. Yeah. Could you tell me that? Could you tell me that right now?