Question 1

What are some defensive responses to shame?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Donald Nathanson, the affect theorist, posited four basic defensive and coping responses to shame: withdrawal, avoidance, attacking the self, and attacking the other.

Withdrawal is perhaps the most common and immediate response one has to a moment of shame or even its mildest form, embarrassment. We have all felt like disappearing into a hole in the ground after saying or doing something embarrassing in front of others. When shame is more intense or chronic, withdrawal scripts aim to remove people from situations that cause shame. They anticipate—correctly or incorrectly—that shame will be present or might be present and withdraw into their house or room or their own head. Their scripted behaviors and thoughts insist that they keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves for fear that anything they expose will be seen as stupid or silly or open them up to ridicule by others. They fear that others will see them–literally and figuratively–as defective. Withdrawal scripts result in behaviors such as a preference for solo activity and wanting to be alone, silence and a refusal to speak publically, or sexual withdrawal.

Avoidance coping mechanisms use denial in various forms to remove intense feelings of shame from conscious awareness. Therefore, avoiding scripts are especially powerful in directing the behaviors of those who utilize them to deny any appearance of inferiority or weakness. They are prominent in people who cannot admit to being wrong, who stand perpetually in others' judgment, and who cannot stand to show any sign of weakness or inferiority.

People internally criticize themselves for being or acting stupid, selfish, clumsy, or defective in some way through attacking the self. The behaviors indicative of attack self responses include self-recrimination, sexual masochism, self-mutilation as in cutting, burning, and other reckless behaviors, and, the most extreme form, suicide. Attack-self defensive and coping behaviors may seem to increase shame rather than reduce it. However, they attempt to manage or control shame by what can be considered a compromise position. Therefore, if I am the one to shame myself, then I control the amount of shame I feel.

Attack other is a means of coping with shame, which involves physically or verbally lashing out and blaming others, even if one is at fault. This coping response to shame works by shifting attention away from the self and onto another person or thing. However, in many cultures, anger is taboo, and attack other scripts disguise anger behind passive-aggressive behaviors such as sarcasm. Attack other defensive and coping behaviors include angry put-downs, abusive recrimination, physical attacks and fighting, sarcasm, hatred, vengeance, sexual sadism, and, the most extreme form, murder.

Question 2

Do you think that therapists think enough about shame, identify it with their patients and consider it in their conceptualisations etc?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Certainly not. Historically, therapists have tended to focus solely on their patients’ negative feeling states as the problem, rather than recognize them as possible defensive and coping responses to shame. Longing, disappointment, grief, anger, loneliness, jealousy, or rejection sensitivity can all be conceptualized as phenomena that resulted from shame-- an impediment to what was once positive or a loving connection that was lost.

Symptoms of anxiety frequently have a basis in shame. Defensive responses resulting from shame anxiety may appear as phobias, avoidance behaviors, agitation, a fear of failure, and self-destructive acts. Shame-based anxiety is usually misdiagnosed as an “anxiety disorder” and, at times, mistreated with anxiety-relieving medications or other therapies that make the sufferer worse or feel shame for having a condition that they cannot control. Similarly, much of what we regard as depression is linked to shame. That shame is involved is obvious when one considers that many of the symptoms of depression directly reflect the defensive responses to shame; namely, withdrawal, avoidance, attack self, and attacking others. Depressed patients who are taught to recognize the impact of shame experiences can make use of the upside of their affective state—the motivation to seek soothing and relief from others for what they feel. Narcissism has everything to do with shame. Those who exhibit narcissistic traits such as grandiosity, entitlement, or self-centeredness maintain a defensive response to shame that is highly adaptive. Patients with borderline personality disorders are dealing with levels of shame beyond what the average human experiences. Regardless of the cause of the disorder, the clinician can anticipate heightened shame responses to their interventions or interpretations. Despite the intensity of the shame responses in those with borderline pathology, there is also a powerful wish to reinstate the bonds with others that have been broken. Shame reduction also may be the most common motivator of addictive behaviors. Whether the addiction has to do with alcohol, substances, food, hypersexuality, or the conspicuous consumption of goods, shame avoidance is at its core. The voluntary exposure of shame-based vulnerabilities is one of the most effective methods of reducing its negative impact.

There are several challenges for the therapist helping someone deal with shame. The first is to validate any shame that appears during therapy. The second is in clarifying defensive behaviors that mask shame and assisting the patient in recognizing the ways in which these defensive responses to shame interfere with its potential to motivate healthy behaviors that minimize its harsh effects. It is equally as important to foster the understanding of the importance of the information provided by shame affect that positive affect is always present before shame appears.

Question 3

Does you work explain why we generally don't like shameless people?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Indirectly, yes. One aspect of shame is that it maintains the social order. Imagine all the behaviors the typical person avoids doing because they know their actions would trigger some level of shame—from mild embarrassment to deep humiliation—in both the self and others. A disregard of shame can lead people to engage in “shameless acts.” Thus, experiencing shame and responding to the information it provides enables us to get along with others.

Question 4

What are the positive aspects of shame? Can it motivate us to take action like other negative emotions?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Shame continually influences the way we care in our relationships. This is as true in our family, school, workplace and community relationships, as it is in our most intimate relationship with a significant other. When shame can be exposed in an atmosphere of safety, it’s primary upside—that it exists to inform and protect the self—can be recognized. The anticipation of a painful emotional state—as well as images of loss of self‑value that accompany the physiological sensations involved in shame—make shame anxiety a powerful motivational tool for humans. In essence, people are highly motivated throughout their lives to “save face.” The affect theorist, Donald Nathanson, noted that "Shame is a teacher, often drawing us within ourselves to think deeply about the self" (1992, p.211). The shame emotion motivates learning, growth, and a desire to change. Consider everyday examples where shame or shame based anxiety draws attention to characteristics or behaviors a person may want to change, such as losing weight, overcoming an addiction, or washing an accumulation of dirty dishes before guests arrive.

Question 5

Danny Kahneman concluded that shame leads to a state of tension, which leads to avoidance and no resolution of the problem. How does this fit with there being a positive element to shame?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Shame promotes learning and a desire to change the self. The positive side of shame is that when it is experienced there is always a motivation to restore a broken bond or resolve the impediment to what was previously interesting or enjoyable prior to experiencing the emotion. Some people may call it "hope." With shame, there is always  a lingering interest to resolve the problem.

Question 6

What is the opposite of shame?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Erroneously, we might consider pride to be the opposite of shame. The experience of pride (a combination of positive emotion and memories) arises with the thought that we have succeeded in some way.  Alongside shame and guilt, pride provides us with internal feedback about meeting or violating our expectations, goals, or standards. Although pride leads to good feelings about the self and shame results in feeling bad, they are opposite only in terms of valence. Shame is activated when there is a partial disruption or obstacle to continued interest or excitement; when someone or something interferes with good feelings we were having at a given moment. The emotion motivates us to retreat or hide since cognitively it is experienced as a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, or as being inherently flawed. However, it also motivates us to restore a broken bond, lost connection, or good feeling. Thus, technically  interest or enjoyment would be the opposite of shame.

Question 7

I've seen research finding that women are more likely to experience shame? Why?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Both women and men are human and it is unlikely that males have any less inclination to experience shame than women. Since shame is an emotion that motivates us to hide, it is possible that social and cultural factors have led men to hide their shame more than women do.

Question 8

Why do so many people have shame around sex?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Even today, parents seem to have a difficult time with the sexual interests of their children. Children who are shamed regarding their sexual curiosities , or who experience shame for a variety of reasons including being victims of sexual abuse, seem to develop a heightened interest in sexuality that is linked with shame. The manifestations of shame around sex are varied. For example, the excitement of intimacy can be longed for and, at the same time, dreaded when it is linked with a shame experience.

Question 9

What do people mean when they say toxic shame?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Shame feels toxic, in any form! Shame is part of the experience of jealousy, regret, and envy, among other situations that can seem unbearable. Shame feels toxic because when we experience it our whole self seems bad, defective, or inadequate. Evolution has given us an emotion that makes us pay close attention to whatever is going on that has interfered with our positive feelings, particularly in our relationships with others. .

Question 10

Is it harmful when parents use shame (in a subtle way) to socialise their kids? What are alternatives?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Psychologically, children may respond just as poorly to shame as they would to physical punishment. As well, the social isolation and rejection resulting from the ways parents use "time outs" are often experienced as shame. Thus, the child must defend against and cope with a shame response, which typically involves attacking oneself, attacking others, withdrawal, or avoidance. In any situation, re-directing children in an effort to teach them appropriate responses to what they feel, helping children use words to describe what they need, or listening to what children are trying to convey verbally or through action, promote learning the tools needed for effective communication later in life. Punishment, such as physical or verbal aggression, or taking away something dear to the child is different than discipline. Discipline involves limit-setting and correction using re-direction along with remaining close to the child. Importantly,  discipline maintains a tie to the caregiver, rather than separates the child from them. We learn through our connection with significant others, and through this connection our value is recognized along with the appraisal and understanding of behavior that negatively impacts the other.

Question 11

How is shame different from guilt?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Shame and guilt feel different emotionally, yet both involve situations where good feelings have turned bad. These emotions  arise when something we do or say interferes with our interest in being seen by ourselves and others as competent, morally sound, or intelligent. In general, the experience of  shame involves a more intense turning inward to focus on defects within the self, while the emotion guilt involves a focus on the harm we have caused others combined with fear of punishment for our deeds.

Question 12

What is the function of shame from an evolutionary perspective?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Humans are endowed with a central nervous system that affords information about their feelings. The innate affect shame is an integral component of this system. Shame is “wired” into the human brain as a program that reacts immediately when positive affects—things we are enjoying and want more of—are interfered with by something or someone. At the same time, shame affect also involves the sense that good feelings can possibly be restored. This function of shame provides critical relational information beyond the felt experience when, through cognition, shame becomes linked with a diminished sense of self. Given its disruption of good feelings, shame not only draws attention to a partial impediment to positive affect, but also to what impeded it in the first place. Thus, evolution produced an affect that felt bad enough to make us notice that there was interference with what had been feeling good. Hence, shame affect emerged with the sole purpose of informing us, by making us feel bad, that our happiness is at risk. Both in spite of and because of how bad shame feels it is nonetheless the affect that signals the need for and then motives the behaviors of reconnection and reconciliation. It is potentially a powerful motivator of change for the better.

Question 13

In my practice, shame seems to drive so many destructive behaviors like substance abuse and self harm.  How would you use the upside of shame to intervene in those cases?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Shame reduction may be the most common motivator of addictive behaviors. Whether the addiction has to do with alcohol, substances, food, hyper-sexuality, or the conspicuous consumption of goods, shame avoidance is likely at its core. Avoidance as a defensive and coping response to shame involves behaviors that hide ones own feelings from oneself. Avoidance responses relieve shame, fear, and distress. Many therapists view the avoidance maneuvers of their patients as simply being a maladaptive component of their personality. The upside of shame in dealing with addiction and knowing that shame is both the initial motivation for the addiction and the result of it is that it permits the therapist much more room for empathy and eventual reduction of the shame.The voluntary exposure of shame-based vulnerabilities is one of the most effective methods of reducing its negative impact. The success of 12-step programs involves an important upside to shame: individuals are able to expose their experiences of shame and, as a result, receive acceptance and support from the community. All addictive behaviors create a difficult-to-break cycle of shame that creates further shame unless explored in a way that allows learning to take place. Self-harming behaviors may involve avoidance, but they are primarily associated with attack-self coping responses to shame. Attack-self responses involve hurting oneself in a psychologically or physically self-injurious way, such as in cutting or suicide.

Question 14

Since I start to work more with emdr I came to notice how much early abuse and shame are related and with self sabotage keep the client almost imprissoned. How can we educate our clients about this?

Mary Lamia · Accepted Answer

Some caregivers use shame and attack as their primary methods of socializing their children. The children learn to put themselves down to help blunt their caregiver’s attacks. Victims of childhood abuse, whose shame-induced feelings of helplessness from others controlling their minds and bodies, are further reduced by assuming the position that it is all their fault. The behaviors indicative of attack self responses to shame include self-recrimination, sexual masochism, self-mutilation as in cutting, burning and other reckless behaviors, and, the most extreme form, suicide. In so many situations where psychopathology involves shame, I have found that simply acknowledging the emotion, and then educating patients regarding the coping responses to the emotion, is illuminating and life-changing.

The Upside of Shame