The key is first identifying the problem with their self-esteem. What areas of their lives does it impact, personal, academic, professional, athletic, etc. Second, put a label on their self-doubt. What is the nasty name they call themselves when doubt is activated? Ask how things would be different if they no longer had this self-doubt and carried self-confidence instead. Define the goal. Then examine and modify the doubt into a more accurate and positive view of themselves and last continue to grow self-confidence with action. Check out any of our books, Sokol and Fox, on building confidence, “think confident” (https://www.amazon.com/Think-Confident-Four-Step-Eliminate-Self-Esteem/dp/0399535292), or our professional guide, Sokol and Fox, The Comprehensive Clinician’s Guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (https://www.amazon.com/Comprehensive-Clinicians-Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy/dp/1683732553).

Often the motto, “It is easier said than done,” does apply but putting principle into practice doesn’t have to be a challenge. Trying to blend different models makes the path harder. Instead, embrace one model and use all your therapeutic methods to intervene. For example, if you consider all psychological problems involve problems in thinking, you are first and foremost working to modify dysfunctional thinking and consequent ineffective behaviour. If you believe, teach, and treat your clients with that approach, you can live that in your daily life. The key is putting action before motivation, thinking before you act, and make a plan to get your needs met and your goals accomplished. John Ludgate’s book, Heal Your Self (https://www.amazon.com/Heal-Your-Self-John-Ludgate/dp/1568871279), is a good resource to push words into action. Our book, Sokol and Fox, The Comprehensive Clinician’s Guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (https://www.amazon.com/Comprehensive-Clinicians-Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy/dp/1683732553), is a concise guide to putting principle into action.

No, failing to achieve a goal is just another life situation. Distress and our view of ourselves doesn’t come from situations, positive, negative, or traumatic, but how we process those situations. Failing is a reality of life, and when not judged, doesn’t have to impact our character. On the other hand, positive experiences don’t fuel self-confidence if you don’t value the achievement and take credit for it.

Everyone has self-doubt. It may stay buried, only expressing itself when the person is facing difficult or challenging situations, rise to the surface and temporally be in charge for a while, or take over and rule one’s perspective in every situation. External events do not necessarily impact self-confidence as it is how we process that experience that matters, taking credit for successes and not diminishing ourselves when we fall short.

The basic principles are the same, but intervention is tailored to the individual. Validating the unique real pressures of adolescence is essential to working with teens but be careful not to validate any distorted ideas.

There are numerous worksheets and exercises to build, grow, and sustain confidence in our Sokol and Fox, Think Confident, Be Confident Books (https://www.amazon.com/Think-Confident-Four-Step-Eliminate-Self-Esteem/dp/0399535292), (https://www.amazon.com/Think-Confident-Workbook-Teens-Self-Confidence/dp/1626254834), or in our Sokol and Fox, The Comprehensive Clinician’s Guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (https://www.amazon.com/Comprehensive-Clinicians-Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy/dp/1683732553).

Blaming the self for struggling comes from an underlying belief that leads her to take responsibility and derogation for being human. Helping her acknowledge that her anxiety has become a problem for her is simply a fact. This is followed by helping her not negatively judge that fact, giving it meaning about her, her future, or anything else. Instead, accept it as a struggle and decide what she can do about it. How can she change her thinking and behaviour in the most helpful way?