Question 1

How to challenge " I've tried that and it didn't work"?

Randy Paterson · Accepted Answer

This comes up a lot. First, when you hear these words as a therapist it usually means that you have tried to take over the client's life and boss them around. Passive resistance is all but guaranteed in this case.

Sometimes, though, the client is simply providing you with information. Get more detail. What is it that they tried? What would success have looked like had it happened? What actually happened instead? Almost always it emerges that the goal was far too ambitious (giving up video games forever starting today, eating properly 'from now on,' making a circle of friends this week). Given the strategy attempted, the odds of success were minimal.

I work to reframe the goal the client selected as an entirely appropriate Ultimate Goal (something to work toward), but one that will take a number of intermediate steps to achieve. Working together, we try to scale back expectations sharply and identify smaller and less effortful steps to try instead. "Making friends is exactly right; let's work toward that. You mentioned the community centre. What would you think of dropping by this week just to see what programs they offer?"

The key is to avoid trying to "speed things up" by dictating goals to a lost and often aimless young person. It's typically faster and almost always more effective to work with them to identify their own ideas and then help them boil these down to concrete plans with very modest finish lines.

Question 2

Is this syndrome a quality of a son or girl that thinks she has been reared in an unjusticing way by his or her mother or father, and stays at home demanding good treatment from the unjusticing parent?

Randy Paterson · Accepted Answer

Not always. Indeed, many people in this situation have been treated very lovingly and fairly by parents, and have been protected from the inevitable injustices and disappointments of life. As a result, they haven't learned to cope with life not being fair, effort not always being rewarded, or people outside their nurturing home being critical, rejecting, or disinterested.

That said, a sense of being wronged by a parent is a common trap that prevents many people from fully embracing adult life. They become unwilling to move forward or take initiative until the parent apologizes or makes up for past failings. This places control over the person's life firmly in the hands of the one individual they trust least - and sometimes the one person least likely to behave in the manner required.

We don't always have to forgive the failings of an imperfect (or outright abusive) parent, but our life remains our own to live. The challenge is not to exert control over the person one believes to be the guilty party, which is almost always a recipe for failure. It is to exert control over ourselves instead.

Question 3

How are you helping those who had launched or had great plans to launch - but found themselves in their parent's basement during the quarantine and now can't find jobs.

Randy Paterson · Accepted Answer

This is a very real challenge. It is easier to work on this problem when all doors are open: the young person can identify all the areas that need to change and base their decisions on personal preference.

During Covid-19, however, some of those doors have narrowed or shut entirely. Many social opportunities (e.g., sports groups) are not operating and the economy may make job-finding much more difficult.

The task, however, is similar to the one we often find ourselves in as therapists: Identify all the possible ways we could approach the problem, then winnow down based partly on what's practical given the client's situation. We can encourage outdoors excursions if not crowded parties; resume-building if not job-finding; skill-building if not experience-gathering; self-imposed life structure if not the regimented timeline of employment.

My own clients have been working on the doorways that remain open: personal exercise, taking online courses, learning to cook, creating a resume, identifying the adulthood they'd like to build, socially-distanced meetups with friends, taking on chores around home, exploring their outdoor community, and building their skills (e.g., learning to drive) - all of which remain possible. I often have clients imagine sitting in front of a line of doors - some ajar, some padlocked - and encourage them to explore the ones that are open rather than pounding on those that are, for now, inaccessible.

Question 4

Is this problem linked to parenting style?

Randy Paterson · Accepted Answer

Most individuals with a delayed start to adult life have siblings who have moved forward at a faster pace. Consequently, it is difficult to point to parenting exclusively as the cause of this problem. In most cases, however, it does appear that the parents and young adult become caught in an unproductive spiral of interactions.

One pattern is a tendency to safeguard an anxious child from challenges, with the result that they remain unable to cope with adversity and begin falling behind their peers and siblings. As they appear more and more vulnerable, the parents become more protective, inadvertently perpetuating the problem.

Another pattern involves the parents eagerly pushing their young person toward independent life and adult responsibility. Unfortunately this makes taking the path of independence an act of obedience to parental authority. By getting a job, going to school, and taking on responsibilities around the home, the adult child would be acting like a "good little boy," which is not the central task of adulthood. In some cases the only way to preserve a sense of independence is to resist moving in the direction the parents desire. Paradoxically, the young person asserts their freedom by remaining stuck in a childhood dependent role.

Part of the task of therapy is to identify whether patterns such as these are maintaining the problem and, if so, to help all parties to shift the interaction. With parents the core of this is often to recognize that their young person is no longer a child and to ramp down their parental caregiving and direction. The goal for the adult child is to envision the adulthood they desire, apart from the one that parents are trying to enforce.

Question 5

Question 6

What age is too old to live with your parents?

Randy Paterson · Accepted Answer

I don't believe that any age is too old to live in a multigenerational household. Although we think of setting up independent housekeeping as a handy marker of "launching," many who live with family can be truly considered to have matured. It's more a matter of whether their role in the home is that of an adult - bearing at least some of the responsibility for the home and family - or of a dependent child or adolescent. Some who move out are fully supported financially by family and really can't be said to have begun their adult life, while many who live with parents are equals to or caregivers for those parents. Questions that I consider when evaluating a young adult living at home include: Who cooks, cleans, and maintains the home? Who pays the bills? Does the young person have tasks and responsibilities within the home? And is their life beyond the home taking some shape in terms of self-support and relationships?

Question 7

Question 8

Question 9

Does the greater male variability hypothesis explain the gender difference here and higher rate of males living at home with parents?

Randy Paterson · Accepted Answer

I doubt it. I think that more of the answer (though surely not all of it) lies in the different ways that we raise boys and girls. In many families boys are more likely to be indulged, whether in their transgressions or in their avoidance. In some cases this can set them up for a magnification of their least-helpful tendencies.

I have come to believe that for some boys part of the problem arises from sexism, but in quite an unexpected way. Despite the vast changes in western culture, girls still seem to be trained disproportionately in home-making skills such as cooking, cleaning, and household management, and in supportive behaviours such as punctuality, cooperation, and accepting feedback. Paradoxically, these are the exact skills required to become LESS dependent rather than more. Young women are more prepared to cope with the challenges of managing their own homes and lives than the young men, who have often been "protected" from the need to learn how to make meals, work a washing machine, or get themselves out of bed, and so continue to need help with basic tasks of daily living.

Another factor is the tendency for many young males to be seduced by images of power, wealth, and success, and consequently to focus on high levels of achievement that are simply out of reach early on. They may want to be at the helm of a tech startup, but would be better advised to take an "Introduction to Programming" course at community college. Ambition is to be applauded, but without the tempering element of practicality it is unlikely to be achieved. Focussed on the distant and grandiose peaks of success, they often find themselves marooned on the couch. More young women seem willing to labour in the foothills for a time, which is usually the path upward.

Question 10

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