Over 30 years ago, during my PhD program in counseling psychology at the University of Albany, I thought I wanted to be a corporate psychologist working on Wall Street. However, in my pre-doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center, most clients were in late adolescence. This experience helped me learn what shapes child and teen development and the influences on early adulthood.

After completing the internship, my first job was with a group practice where I was giving a lot of referrals for angry and defiant children, many of whom had Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity-Disorder. Starting my professional career with this client base forced me to sink or swim – you might say I learned to tread water and keep learning along the way.

Working with children, teens, young adults and families has been very gratifying. Under the veneer of anger and defiant behavior, I see so much good in my young clients. It’s great to help them learn to calm down and problem-solve, which I think are the two most crucial skills for life.

Back in the 1980s, the first book my parents got me to kick off my professional library was Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion by Carol Tavris. I wasn't a particularly defiant child, though I had a lot of anger from underlying anxiety and insecurities.

Anger continues to be a poorly understood emotion, in my opinion. We tend to forget that anger is a surface emotion driven by strong underlying emotions, such as anxiety, sadness, shame and hurt. Children and teens who aren't as connected to these emotions find themselves on either the "bottle it up and explode later" plan or the "bottle it up and implode later" plan. We know that both of these plans don’t work too well for their emotional health and the good of others around them.

I really like the Cognitive Behavior Therapy model of learning to identify thoughts and reframe them. I also like the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy model, which emphasizes accepting and exploring negative emotions such as anger. Mindfulness is closely aligned with this way of thinking as well.

A positive psychology model can also help children and teens effectively manage anger. This approach involves identifying strengths, cultivating gratitude, tapping into flow states, acquiring learned optimism and building resilience. Focusing on the good things and what we have in our life really does reduce anger, which tends to focus on what we believe has been taken away from us.

The mentality of punching a pillow or howling at the moon may help some people who struggle with anger. That said, in my direct experience, these ventilation-based strategies often lead us to act aggressively when we experience anger. I’m really not a fan of the ventilation system model for children and teens, especially when you factor in the delay of gratification skills and lack of higher reasoning skills in brain development.

It certainly helps children and teens to have family support in the counseling process. That said, I have seen cases where children and teens are more emotionally savvy than their parents!

My work with parents, children and teens involves helping them to have calm and constructive conversations. I encourage parents to understand that they are not only parents but emotion regulation coaches who help their children manage struggles with peers, significant others, roommates, workplace colleagues and supervisors down the road.

I help parents switch lanes to emotion regulation coaches, especially when they feel stuck in taking their child’s defiance personally and reactively. This switching mindset from parent to emotion regulation coach helps parents and children have better self-soothing and collaborative problem-solving.

Here are the series of steps I would take:

1. Acknowledge how much I value her for having the courage to come to me as her parent and share the struggles she has with anger.

2. Encourage her to see that learning to talk about it helps tame big emotions such as the one she is experiencing.

3. Ask her to elaborate on her experiences with anger and try to understand any of the underlying feelings that drive it.

4. Create a safe place to talk more about her anger and encourage her to look for small and more significant victories where she feels able to control it.

5. Ask her if I can reflect on the positive coping behaviors that I see.

I think some people believe that getting angry will end up leading people to get justice when they’ve been wronged – just look at the World Wrestling Entertainment matches and you will see huge crowds, screaming as the “heroes“ get mad and get revenge by beating up “the bad guys.” This storyline of anger leading to revenge can also be found in many action movies. I certainly enjoy these movies, but I realize they are an escape – a fantasy.

Teens are highly impressionable. They are very vulnerable to messages from social media, including those that proliferate “you should be angry about …”. So yes, it would be a lot better if calm, constructive conversations and peaceful protests go alongside any messages where anger is expressed or encouraged.

Lastly, keep in mind that controlled anger has led to many breakthroughs, for example, in civil rights, safety protocols to protect people and laws to improve our society as a whole.

As I wrote in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I am a “yeller in recovery.” Parenting is hard, especially in this day and age with social media and so many external stressors facing our youth.

If you feel that you’ve modeled anger to your child, then model self-exploration, the ability to own your mistakes and the willingness to learn and grow. Just keep in mind, the only “perfect people” are in the cemetery. Having a growth mindset, self-compassion included, will help you be the best parent you can be.