Strengthening Attachment Security through Relational Savoring

Relational savoring is a brief intervention and prevention approach designed to help clients gain greater benefit from positive interpersonal experiences. It is grounded in the idea that most people regularly encounter small moments of connection that often go unnoticed--either because humans tend to attend more to negative or threatening experiences, or because individuals with difficult attachment histories may be especially attuned to negative interactions. By intentionally focusing on moments of positive connection, individuals can cultivate a habit of noticing and more fully benefiting from these experiences.

In relational savoring, the clinician helps the client identify a memory of positive connection within a relationship--ideally one rich in attachment content. For example, a father focusing on his relationship with his child may recall a time when he helped his child climb up the big slide at the park, focusing on the way his child looked back at him for reassurance and savoring his ability to help his child feel safe and confident enough to take that risk. A woman focusing on her relationship with her partner may recall a time when she was distressed because of an interaction with a coworker and she ran into the bathroom stall to call her partner – she may focus on how his words and even his voice made her instantly calm down. Once a memory is selected, the clinician guides the client through a five-step reflection process designed to deepen recall, promote re-experiencing of associated emotions, and enhance awareness of the relational significance of such moments.

Several key elements distinguish relational savoring from simply recalling a positive moment of connection. First, the goal is to activate memories rich in attachment content--experiences in which the client either provided or received sensitive care. The specific relational focus varies by population: for parents, the emphasis is on their provision of sensitive care to their child, whereas in couple contexts, the focus may be on either providing or receiving care. For example, this may include moments of providing or receiving a secure base (support or encouragement to pursue something challenging) or safe haven care (offering or receiving comfort and refuge in times of distress). The clinician’s task is to identify memories with this depth of attachment meaning and to help the client recognize and elaborate on that meaning. In doing so, the intervention aims to activate a secure mental representation of the attachment relationship. This approach is grounded in research showing that reflecting on moments of felt security can enhance overall attachment security. 

Second, the goal is not merely to help clients recall positive experiences, but to support them in re-experiencing these moments. This involves heightening attention to sensory details and evoking the emotions felt at the time, so that the experience becomes vivid in the present. Once the client is immersed in the memory, the clinician helps them reflect on its broader significance--both for the relationship and for their role in the other person’s life.

Relational savoring differs from many therapeutic approaches in its explicit focus on positive moments of connection, rather than on difficult or distressing experiences. This focus is one of its strengths: clients often find the intervention engaging and less threatening than approaches that center on challenges. This can be especially important for clients who may be vulnerable to feeling criticized or shamed, such as ethnic minority populations (whose experiences with discrimination may lead them to anticipate criticism of their behavior in relationships). At the same time, relational savoring can evoke strong emotional responses--clients frequently become tearful or deeply moved. This likely reflects the intervention’s ability to access experiences of emotional vulnerability within close relationships. Feelings of love, care, safety, and security are inherently vulnerable states.

Many therapies that focus on negative interactions also aim to access vulnerability--for example, by helping clients recognize unmet needs for safety or acceptance. Relational savoring, in contrast, directs attention to moments when those needs were met. However, it engages the same core attachment needs: to be seen, accepted, and nurtured.

The theoretical premise is that focusing on these positive interactions can strengthen clients’ broader sense of attachment security and enhance their capacity to mentalize--that is, to understand behavior in terms of underlying thoughts and feelings, both in themselves and in others. In turn, this increased sense of security and reflective capacity may help buffer clients when they encounter negative situations, supporting more adaptive interpersonal responses.

Importantly, although relational savoring focuses on positive moments of connection, it does not involve minimizing or dismissing clients’ pain. Clients need to feel that their distress has been acknowledged and understood before turning to positive experiences. Within the intervention, clinicians validate this pain while also inviting clients to focus on moments in which they felt seen, accepted, or loved--experiences that may be especially important to access in the context of ongoing relational difficulties.

At the same time, focusing on a positive memory and sustaining attention on feelings of connection can be challenging. Many meaningful attachment experiences include both positive and negative elements. For example, safe haven memories--when one person seeks comfort after distress--often contain a mix of emotions. Consider a grandparent comforting a grandchild after a bee sting: the moment may include anxiety (e.g., concern about an allergic reaction), guilt (e.g., wondering if the situation was handled appropriately), or sadness (e.g., seeing the child in pain), alongside joy (being able to provide comfort), pride (feeling capable in that role), and closeness (a deepened sense of connection). The goal is to help the client identify and remain focused on the aspect of the memory that feels most connected, emphasizing positive relational emotions such as joy, pride, and closeness rather than becoming absorbed in the negative elements.

Some clients may find this especially difficult, including those with insecure attachment histories, trauma histories, anxiety, or depression. For these clients, it can be helpful to select memories that are less likely to be “spoiled” by repeated focus on negative aspects--either because the memory contains minimal negative content or because the client can describe it without becoming stuck in distressing details. Clinicians can also support focus by repeatedly directing attention to the peak moment of positive connection, using the client’s own language to anchor each step of the reflection process. If the client begins to drift toward negative aspects, the clinician can gently guide them back to the positive elements, having set this expectation at the outset to support full immersion in the experience.

Relational savoring is especially useful for clients with relational difficulties. For example, it can help clients who tend to focus on negative aspects of their relationships, even when the clinician can see opportunities to attend to positive experiences (e.g., a client who is disappointed with the lack of support in their lives but surrounded by untapped sources of support). It may be particularly beneficial for individuals with attachment insecurity, who may overlook positive interactions due to internal working models that emphasize the importance of experiences of rejection and abandonment and consider positive relational experiences to be irrelevant or the exception to the rule. It can also support individuals who feel lonely or unseen by helping them notice and internalize positive relational moments, making these experiences more salient.

Our research suggests that this intervention may be especially effective for individuals from certain cultural backgrounds. In particular, we have found stronger effects among Latine parents compared to non-Latine parents. We hypothesize that this is because the intervention aligns with cultural values such as familism (prioritizing family relationships) and simpatía (a preference for positive emotional expression in relationships). These findings have informed the development of a culturally congruent version of the intervention for Latine individuals. We also anticipate that relational savoring may be well-suited for other collectivistic cultural groups (e.g., Asian/Asian American, Black/African American, Middle Eastern populations), and ongoing research is testing culturally adapted versions of the intervention with these groups.

Relational savoring may not be appropriate for individuals currently in violent or abusive relationships, at least when focused on those relationships. For example, it would not be advisable for someone in an abusive romantic relationship to engage in relational savoring about that relationship. Enhancing feelings of safety within an unsafe context could reduce appropriate vigilance. However, we are interested in exploring whether relational savoring may benefit individuals with past experiences of abuse or interpersonal violence. In such cases, the intervention would focus on savoring moments of safety and security in non-abusive relationships. The goal is to help individuals recognize their capacity to feel safe and to identify the relational conditions that support that sense of safety.

Relational savoring has been tested as a brief intervention or preventive approach, typically delivered in four individual sessions lasting 30 to 45 minutes. It is not intended to function as a standalone treatment for mental health disorders such as anxiety or mood disorders. Rather, it is best used as an adjunct to other therapeutic approaches to enhance their effectiveness.

Clinically, relational savoring can be conceptualized similarly to techniques such as mindfulness or progressive muscle relaxation--it is not the entirety of a treatment plan, but an important component used to achieve specific goals. It can be incorporated flexibly into therapy, whether across several consecutive sessions, periodically (e.g., once a month), or as a focused segment within a session. Clinicians may introduce relational savoring when the goal is to help clients feel more connected to others, strengthen their sense of relational security, increase positive emotional experiences, or promote more sensitive and attuned interpersonal behavior.

Importantly, the goal is not only to enhance feelings of connection and positive emotion in the moment, but also to help clients develop a habit of noticing and savoring positive relational experiences. This is particularly valuable for individuals with anxiety or depression, who often focus disproportionately on negative interpersonal events. Although relational savoring is typically experienced as pleasurable, it can also evoke complex or painful emotions (e.g., recognizing unmet relational needs when recalling a positive memory), foster insight (e.g., noticing a tendency to overlook positive experiences), and support behavior change (e.g., increasing interpersonal sensitivity). Ultimately, helping clients retrain their attention toward positive aspects of interactions and fully engage with these moments may reduce patterns of anxious and depressive rumination.