Question 1

I am a working mom and guilt prone too. I believe sometimes I overly compensate my absence with pampering. How can I be sure that my love is unconditional and not bound to my guilt? Thank you

Ilyse Dobrow DiMarco · Accepted Answer

First of all, I have no doubt that your love is unconditional! The issue here is not the amount of love you have for your children but rather how much you indulge them. If I'm understanding you correctly, you worry you're giving them too much stuff/too many privileges because you feel badly for not always being around.

Two things to keep in mind:
Your values. It's really helpful to clarify what your values as a parent are and then use these values to inform your parenting decisions. Spend some time articulating your parenting values (See the Appendix of my book Mom Brain https://www.amazon.com/Mom-Brain-Strategies-Overwhelming-Motherhood/dp/1462540260 for a values worksheet). Then use these values to determine whether you are indulging your children out of "guilt" or because indulging them is in fact, values-consistent for you.
Quality vs. quantity time with kids. I've always liked the saying that giving your kids 100% of yourself 10% of the time is more impactful than giving them 10% of yourself 100% of the time. What's important about the time you spend with your kids is the quality of your interactions, not the quantity. Rather than making up for your absence by showering your kids with stuff, think instead about what you will do during the time you're with them. I guarantee that your kids will find fun activities with mom to be more rewarding than more toys/sweets/etc.

Question 2

Dear Ilyse, what are the best strategies for moms to prevent burnout and how can you reduce your mental load?

Ilyse Dobrow DiMarco · Accepted Answer

There's no short answer to this question! I devote several chapters of my book Mom Brain to answering this. I'll give you some ideas, and I encourage you to consult Mom Brain for more details.
 
Make an A/B To-Do List: Lots of the moms I work with expect far too much of themselves and feel frustrated when they can't get to every item on their to-do list. I encourage them to make an A and B to-do list, which they continually update. The A list consists of things that must get done on a given day; the B list consists of things that can wait a day (or week) or two. You can do separate A/B lists for work and home. Using the A/B lists helps moms reduce their expectations of themselves, and the pressure they put on themselves.

Use your schedule: I'm a huge proponent of using your daily schedule to help with overwhelm and burnout. I encourage my patients to make a schedule each night for the next day. Included in this schedule should be:
The items on your A to-do list
At least one values-consistent self-care activity, whatever that looks like for you (e.g. exercising, reading, texting with friends). It's critical that you think ahead of time about what self-care activity you can do the next day and when you can do it, as well as what you need to do to make it happen.

Work with your partner: If you have a partner, take time to note all your recurrent kid/household management tasks, and then figure out who is going to do what. Make sure the distribution of tasks is fair, and that each partner feels they are playing to their respective strengths. Consult Chapter 9 of Mom Brain for much more information about this. https://www.amazon.com/Mom-Brain-Strategies-Overwhelming-Motherhood/dp/1462540260

Ask for help! So many moms I've worked with are reluctant to ask for help, believing that as moms they "should" be able to handle everything. But it is critical to ask for help when you need it, so you don't become overwhelmed and immobilized.

Say "No." You do not have to say "yes" to everything that's asked of you. Only say "yes" to requests you feel you can handle, and that are consistent with your values.

Question 3

My son who has Autism, finally found acceptance in adolescence and became involved with drugs. He was heavily addicted for ten years and it almost destroyed our whole family.I am overcome with guilt that I didn’t do enough or that I caused this. Help

Ilyse Dobrow DiMarco · Accepted Answer

Addiction, as with any mental health issue, is never caused by one person or factor. It is usually a result of a complex combination of things. I'm certain you did not cause your son's addiction. That said, I think you would benefit tremendously from talking about this with a mental health professional, particularly one who has experience working with family members of those with histories of addiction.

Question 4

What are 'values-based goals' and how might they be applied to parenting?

Ilyse Dobrow DiMarco · Accepted Answer

Values, as defined in Acceptance Commitment Therapy, are "chosen life directions," meant to guide us as we make choices in different areas of our lives. I think values work is extremely helpful for new moms, who often have difficulty finding the time and energy to do the things that make them feel like themselves.

I ask mom patients to complete an extensive values-based worksheet (which can be found in the Appendix of Mom Brain https://www.amazon.com/Mom-Brain-Strategies-Overwhelming-Motherhood/dp/1462540260). This worksheet asks moms to define their values in a number of different domains (e.g. parenting, romantic relationships, work, recreation/leisure, spirituality). Once moms have done this, I work with them to set concrete, specific goals based on these values. For example, if a new mom notes that she values exercising, she might set a goal of doing online exercise classes 3 times per week while her baby takes their afternoon nap. Setting specific goals ensures that moms are continuing to live according to their values, despite the demands of parenting.

Question 5

What can mothers do about the resentment they feel for carrying the cognitive load of the household and division of labour in house and caring for children?

Ilyse Dobrow DiMarco · Accepted Answer

As mentioned in an earlier question, these are my recommendations:

Work with your partner: If you have a partner, take time to note all your recurrent kid/household management tasks, and then figure out who is going to do what. Make sure the distribution of tasks is fair, and that each partner feels they are playing to their respective strengths. Consult Chapter 9 of Mom Brain for much more information about this. https://www.amazon.com/Mom-Brain-Strategies-Overwhelming-Motherhood/dp/1462540260

Ask for help! So many moms I've worked with are reluctant to ask for help, believing that as moms they "should" be able to handle everything. But it is critical to ask for help when you need it, so you don't become overwhelmed and immobilized.

Say "No." You do not have to say "yes" to everything that's asked of you. Only say "yes" to requests you feel you can handle, and that are consistent with your values.

Question 6

In what ways do you help mothers with the loss or change of identity that comes with motherhood?

Ilyse Dobrow DiMarco · Accepted Answer

First of all, I normalize this experience for mothers. Becoming a mother is wonderful, of course, but it also entails loss. With a child to care for, especially a little one, you don't have the freedom you once did to pursue the things that are meaningful to you, and that make you feel like yourself.
 
Moms have to be very deliberate about scheduling in activities for themselves that make them feel good and remind them of who they are as adults. To this end, I have my mom patients complete a values worksheet, in which they articulate their values in a number of different life domains (e.g. parenting, work, partner relationship, recreation/leisure, spirituality). I then task them with setting specific values-consistent goals in each of these domains. I'm a big fan of setting a daily schedule for yourself, and urge my patients to include at least one values-consistent goal on their schedule every day. See my book, Mom Brain, for more information on this; I have a whole chapter (Chapter 3) devoted to identity and values work. https://www.amazon.com/Mom-Brain-Strategies-Overwhelming-Motherhood/dp/1462540260

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