Question 1

Can hate be a healthy emotion if it is offering psychological protection after rejection?

Robert Sternberg · Accepted Answer

Scholars differ on the answer to this question. My view is that hate is not the solution to rejection.  It is destructive not only to the target but also to the person who experiences it.   It gnaws away at us. The best way to deal with rejection, I believe, is with wisdom--understanding that people are imperfect, sometimes extremely so; that they screw up on a daily basis, which means also us and not just other people; that people have differing points of view and sometimes see things in different ways; and that when a relationship does not work out, the best think is to say good-bye to it, psychologically as well as behaviorally, and move on to new challenges, excitement, and hopefully love in one's life.  Sometimes, one needs to make or receive restitution, but hate has no useful place.  I have studied hate for a number of years, and have yet to see an instance where hate led to anything good. If you look, for example, at some conflicts in the Middle East, or recently, in the polarized United States, hatred of one group for another group only breeds more hatred and misunderstanding.

Question 2

Question 3

Why do my partner and I always say "I hate you" when we argue?

Robert Sternberg · Accepted Answer

Because we all are more careless in our speech than we ought to be.  I have a daughter who does this--except that she is 9 years old.  As adults, we should know better--99% of the time, we do not mean it. It is destructive to say it, and it accomplishes nothing good! Mostly, it shows how little control we have over our emotions.  We can and should do better.  If you say it, then be sure later to say you're sorry. And then don't do it again!

Question 4

What does saying "I love you" mean?

Robert Sternberg · Accepted Answer

It means different things for different people.  It could mean you like someone very much (intimacy), that you have fallen head over heels for someone (passion), that you want to stay with someone forever (commitment), that you feel romantically toward someone (intimacy + passion), that you are committed to your deep liking for someone (intimacy + commitment), that you want to commit yourself to someone with whom you have fallen for but hardly know (passion + commitment), or that you fully and completely love someone (intimacy + passion + commitment).

Question 5

What do people mean when they say they are in a 'love-hate' relationship?

Robert Sternberg · Accepted Answer

Love and hate are not opposites.  The opposite of both of them, if there is one, is indifference.  So you simultaneously can both love and hate a person.  For example, if your partner betrays you and makes love to someone else, you may simultaneously love them (feel, for example, strong passion toward them) but also hate them (feel strong passion against them).  Or you may feel commitment in love at the same time that you feel your commitment is to hate them with all your heart.  Love-hate relationships tend to be unstable, for the obvious reason that the two feelings experienced simultaneously create cognitive as well as emotional dissonance.  You feel that you should not be in such a state.  So most people seek a resolution, either to focus on the love or the hate, or they decide to get the person out of their life as soon as possible.

Question 6

What is the triangular theory of love?

Robert Sternberg · Accepted Answer

The triangular theory of love states that there are three components of love: intimacy--how close, connected, and cared for you feel toward a loved one; passion--how excited, infatuated, and obsessed you are with the loved one; and commitment--how firmly you wish to stay with your loved one, for a long period of time, no matter what happens, and no matter how many obstacles present themselves.

Question 7

What are the different types of love?

Robert Sternberg · Accepted Answer

Liking (intimacy); infatuation (passion), empty love (commitment), romantic love (intimacy + passion), companionate love (intimacy + commitment), fatuous love (passion + commitment),  complete love (intimacy + passion + commitment). In addition, there are different stories of love, as described in my book, Love is a Story. Some examples are the travel story, the business story, the fairy-tale story, the horror story, the recovery story, the cookbook story, the police story, the collector story, and the religion story.

Question 8

Is hate part of passionately loving someone?

Robert Sternberg · Accepted Answer

Usually not.  There is no need to hate a person we passionately love.  But when we passionately love someone, we are in the throes of an addiction, and hence are hyper-sensitive to perceived slights, disputes, and betrayals.  I say "perceived," because often they are only in our minds.  So we are more likely to feel the passion component of hate, at least fleetingly, because we are so volatile.  We have to recognize this in ourselves and try to cool down what can be seriously maladaptive emotions. Feeling hate only impairs relationships; it never helps them.

Question 9

What do you mean by "non-love" in the triangular theory of love?

Robert Sternberg · Accepted Answer

Non-love is simply when you feel no intimacy, passion, or commitment toward an individual.  It is the absence of any of the three components of love.  It is what you may feel toward acquaintances or very casual friends with whom you have no meaningful relationship.

Question 10

Why do I feel empty despite being in a relationship with someone I love?

Robert Sternberg · Accepted Answer

There are multiple possibilities.  One is that you are experiencing, literally, "empty love, " which is commitment in the absence of intimacy and passion.  Perhaps whatever intimacy and passion you once felt is gone.  Another possibility is that you are so busy with the business of life that you lack the time to maintain a meaningful connection--your relationship is essentially on hold while you navigate life's challenges.  A third possibility is that you are feeling generally emotionally depleted.  You have been so challenged by the relationship or by life in general that you just feel like your emotional tank is running on empty.  In every case, a solution is to commit yourself to restoring what you feel has been lost from, or suppressed in your relationship.  At worst, the relationship has run out of fuel, in which case you have to decide whether there is any hope of, metaphorically, refilling the fuel tank.

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