Question 1

Should we stop and listen to negative thoughts or mindfully let them pass? If so, in what instances?

Todd Kashdan · Accepted Answer

Listening is an ideal verb for what to do with negative thoughts. Instead of presuming our negative thoughts are accurate reflections of reality, we merely check in and listen to them. Our brains are built with modules to detect threats with great speed and accuracy. Our thoughts often have to do with protection from other people who are threatening, forming and maintaining alliances, gaining and maintaining social status, attracting a desirable mating bond, and investing in younger generations. Gently pay attention to negative thoughts as they might represent useful information in the pursuit of important goals and decision-making. Grab any useful information and then let them pass. Do remember that because you can notice and observe your thoughts, they are not you and they are not necessarily useful or factual. Keep a safe distance, just observing, collecting useful information, and letting them pass. You can find more information on how to work with negative thoughts without getting tangled with them here: https://bit.ly/3jda9bc

Question 2

What are your thoughts on stoicism?

Todd Kashdan · Accepted Answer

Most forms of evidence-based psychotherapy and practices for improving the human condition owe a debt to ancient stoic philosophy. Modern cognitive-behavioral therapies, the gold standard approach for reducing psychological difficulties, can be distilled into several core principles that originated in the 2,500 year old stoic tradition. For instance, what happens to you is far less important than how you react, and we should separate external events that we cannot control from choices that are under our control (from Epictectus). Notably, this logical statement is the origin of the Serenity Prayer used in addiction treatments — “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Another core principle is the extension of grace and compassion to those who engage in wrongdoings because we are not privy to their life circumstances, temperament, and character, and we too will make mistakes and errors (from Marcus Aurelius). Trying to understand other people is harder than lingering animosity. Yet, the harder path of trying to understand others has a much greater impact on our quality of life. Other stoic principles include the importance of clarifying your deepest values to offer a roadmap in decision-making, being pragmatic in seeing the world as it is as opposed to how we want it to be, being self-reliant, building virtues through action (instead of motivation), visualizing and preparing for negative outcomes to prevent unnecessary suffering of what looms ahead, and trying to be indifferent to accomplishments while focusing instead on the pleasure and meaning that arises from acts of self-control and perseverance during goal pursuit. There is great value in adopting the elements of stoicism into daily life. Scientific research continually provides evidence for these ancient writings. For a primer on stoicism and how it can serve as an operating manual for living well, read: https://amzn.to/3xiXpoC and https://amzn.to/3Cf4hqO

Question 3

I don't see how any of my dark secrets or past mistakes can be positive.. although I'm good at reframing.  If it is something really wrong, like murder for example, what is the bright side to that?

Todd Kashdan · Accepted Answer

Think of past mistakes as information that if attended to with the goal of learning, can increase your knowledge, skills, and identity. Our regrets can be viewed as visceral reminders of times when we wish we behaved differently. The negative emotions experienced such as guilt, embarrassment, or disappointment, propel us to alter our behaviour in future situations. We don’t have to reframe a situation that is negative as positive. We can benefit from asking ourselves — based on what happened, what will I commit to doing differently in the future?

1.      Acknowledge past mistakes and feelings of regret.

2.      Create counterfactuals or different ways you could have behaved.

3.      Clarify the exact situations where you want to implement these different behaviours.

4.      Make a commitment to start implementing this new, improved set of behaviours. For instance, stating this commitment publicly to even one close friend increases the probability that you will feel a sense of accountability and follow-through.

For a concrete method of how to work with prior failings and perceived flaws, see: https://bit.ly/3j7Pc1y

Question 4

I understand negative feelings are a part of life, but is there anything you can do to feel less of the negative emotions and more of the positive emotions?

Todd Kashdan · Accepted Answer

Instead of trying to alter the type of emotions that might appear in the future, which you cannot control, I would spend more effort on your actions and decision-making. Most people want to be happy. That said, entering into situations with the goal of feeling more positive emotions and less negative emotions forces us to pay too more attention to what an activity is doing for us instead of being fully engaged with other people and potentially rewarding experiences around us. Consider swapping out the goal to be happy in a situation with the goal of being fully engaged in an activity.

1.      Pay attention to sensory pleasures:

a.       Olfactory

b.      Taste

c.       Touch

d.      Sight

e.       hearing

2.      Pay attention to the pleasures of:

a.       Stimulation

b.      Achievement

c.       Connection

d.      Relaxation

Consider more doing, less overthinking. Regardless of what you end up feeling, there are going to be a great deal of psychologically rich experiences and along the journey, you might end up with moments of meaning and happiness. For more about experiencing full, immersive moments without paying attention to what you feel, see: https://bit.ly/37coGOL

Question 5

I feel like I have to put on a “happy face” for my work - is that just part of the job sometimes or should I be allowing my negative emotions to show even at work? If I did, I'm sure I'd lose my job.

Todd Kashdan · Accepted Answer

Any work environment that directly or indirectly makes us feel as if we must suppress honest, negative thoughts and feelings is problematic. We should probably acknowledge that most of these workplace cultures originate with a benevolent purpose. Perhaps people think that expressing negative emotions and thoughts will be contagious, distracting people from their work and causing a dip in the emotional well-being in the culture. Ironically, humans do not respond well to authoritarian control where you are told what to think and feel. We have a basic psychological need to feel autonomous, the author of our own story. Here is what I want to acknowledge: when you cannot share how you feel with colleagues in the workplace, and you cannot be honest with them about your subjective experience of you, them, and whatever it is you are doing, you will perform less efficiently and less effectively. Trying hard to suppress what you feel only serves to reduce your limited supply of energy during the day. Anything that emotionally drains you will lead to decrements in work productivity and creativity, much less high-quality social interactions and relationships. Here are some strategies to get out of this undesirable situation:

1.       Allow yourself to feel whatever is being felt, and offer the same courtesy to others. Be compassionate as this fosters the type of social bonds that serve to improve everyone’s mental health and produce stronger collaborative relationships. With stronger mental health and social relationships at work, your work and the work of others will only get better. If a manager or leader cannot see this, show them how over a longer span of time, this alteration in the work culture only fosters better outcomes.

2.       Ask questions about people’s mental health. Listen attentively, be curious, and ask relevant follow-up questions on what they say. And when people do this for you, let them know how it is helpful. Whatever people are rewarded for is what they will do more, and whatever they are punished for is what they will do less. Knowing this about habit formation, provide people feedback and pay attention to how people respond to your actions. Show that you care and encourage people to express themselves openly.

3.       Ask people what they need. Instead of jumping right into problem-solving mode, ask people who are feeling negative emotions, “I don’t know exactly what you are experiencing, so let me know what you need: do you want to tell me more, vent, or would you like me to help you figure out a solution? I am here for whatever you need.” And when you are experiencing negative emotions, and someone is listening, be assertive and let them know what you could use from them.

As humans, we have emotions. Some of these emotions are negative. Some of these negative emotions are useful information for understanding when there are real problems and threats. We must be compassionate toward ourselves and offer compassion to others. By showing concern, deeper emotional connections are forged that only strengthen the quality of work teams and cultures. This change in attitude toward emotions in the workplace improves work related outcomes that leaders in the organization care about. When you are feeling assertive, share this knowledge for whomever is managing or leading you. Mentally healthy, autonomous employees are more engaged and productive. For more information on the value of emotional openness in the workplace, see: https://stanford.io/3rMRA1w

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