Question 1

What should we say to prepubescent boys about watching porn?

Lea Lis · Accepted Answer

With the accessibility of the internet and free porn sites, children get exposed, often unintentionally, to porn at much younger ages than parents might expect, so it's important to start conversations about pornography with children early.

It’s important that parents free themselves from the shame associated with sex, bodies and sexuality so that their child feels comfortable asking their parents questions (https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-porn_n_5bc4f3f5e4b09e4cc9b81f5b) when they come across something they don’t understand. It’s normal for any child to be curious about sex, so when talking to your chilren about porn, emphasize that viewing porn is nothing to feel ashamed of. However, it’s important to share that pornographic images and videos aren’t representative of loving, mature relationships or realistic sex. Make sure children understand that porn in no way mirrors reality. Teach them about consent and how to give and ask for it in sexual situations.

Question 2

What is the line between being friendly and flirting?

Lea Lis · Accepted Answer

Flirting can often be very difficult to recognize (https://news.ku.edu/2014/06/03/flirting-hard-detect-study-finds). Behavior can mean different things from different people and often flirty and friendly behavior can present very similarly, making it difficult to distinguish.  Dating experts do say that in general (https://www.bustle.com/wellness/9-differences-between-being-friendly-vs-flirty-according-to-experts-9040223#:~:text=%E2%80%9CBut%20flirty%20is%20prolonged%20eye,a%20specific%20interest%20in%20intimacy.%E2%80%9D), for cis, heterosexual attraction, men are more likely to interpret a women’s friendliness as flirting, and women are more likely to interpret a man’s flirtiness as friendliness.

Body language is one way to decode these often mixed messages. Physical touch and maintaining eye contact can indicate flirting. Additionally, asking deeper questions or bringing up more personal topics, even sometimes sexual topics, can communicate an interest beyond friendship.

As a child psychiatrist I also train teens with anxiety and social skill deficits, like autism, about how to flirt. In my book “No Shame, Real Talk with your Kids about Sex, Self- confidence, and Healthy Relationships,” (https://www.amazon.com/No-Shame-Self-Confidence-Healthy-Relationships/dp/1989603351) I describe the 4 steps to flirting:

1.	Make the other person feel special and admired. Praise anything you can; try to get them to talk by asking probing questions.
2.	Smile, and hold their gaze a little longer than you would normally.
3.	Tease the other person in a friendly way, as you would with a family member you like. Don’t be mean or overly negative, though, and laugh at any jokes they make.
4.	Use positive body language. Get closer to them (if they seem comfortable, of course), and maybe just touch their arm (if they seem receptive only). Consent is key, and needs to be talked about and honored.

Question 3

What are some ways that men make women feel uncomfortable when flirting?

Lea Lis · Accepted Answer

Gender does not matter in this answer. People can feel uncomfortable if you get into their personal space, and cross their boundaries without explicit consent. This is why it is so important to ask before touching someone or trying to kiss them. Also, any emotional blackmail is uncomfortable, such as, “but I bought you dinner, or “I thought you cared about me” as a way to progress a sexual relationship.

Question 4

What is a polite way to rebuff flirting?

Lea Lis · Accepted Answer

When someone that you aren’t interested in is flirting with you, it’s important to ensure that your body language and verbal messaging, are on par with each other. Often, eye contact and physical touch can imply a flirtatious manner, so if you aren’t interested in someone’s flirtations, make sure you aren’t keeping long eye contact or touching them in a way you might interpret as interest. To verbally communicate (https://www.elitedaily.com/p/heres-how-to-reject-someone-nicely-according-to-10-women-who-have-done-it-11955543) you aren’t interested, you could say, “It was nice meeting you, but I’m not interested.” This is why I recommend you teach children and teens how to use their words to communicate boundaries, and not just to rely on more subtle body language.

Question 5

What's the best thing to say after someone rejects you?

Lea Lis · Accepted Answer

Though rejection can feel soul crushing in the moment, there are many ways to respond. If you’ve received a thoughtful rejection and you’d like to respond kindly, (https://www.bustle.com/wellness/rejection-text-messages-experts) you could say, “Thanks so much for being honest with me, wishing you the best.”

Question 6

How do I get over my fear of rejection?

Lea Lis · Accepted Answer

Everyone experiences rejection in one way or another in their lives. Whether it’s a job opportunity, a romantic relationship or a friendship, rejection is part of the human experience.

It’s crucial to keep in mind that romantic relationships need a healthy dose of compatibility and shared interest to be successful. While rejection may sting initially, try to see it as putting you on a path that will get you closer to the relationship that you are seeking (https://www.healthline.com/health/fear-of-rejection#look-for-the-lessons).

Building your confidence is also important to guard yourself against getting so wounded by rejection. It’s important to reinforce a positive self-image and replace negative self-talk with compassion and kindness toward yourself. This will help you live a No Shame lifestyle.

Her are some tips from my book:

“Once you have embraced flirting and are ready to ask someone out, then you have to get ready to be rejected. This is also an important part of dating, and an important part of life in general. How you handle rejection will have an immense impact on your happiness.

Asking someone to go on a date means making yourself vulnerable, and this takes courage. This is the foundation of researcher Brené Brown’s work on the subject. Part of being vulnerable is allowing yourself to get rejected. This is the opposite of avoidance. Avoidance is based in fear—fear of rejection—and this fear is always fooling yourself, because if you avoid going after what you want, you will never get rejected, but you also will never experience success. Brown states that fear will always be there to greet us, as it is a restrictive force that stops us from stepping outside our comfort zone towards the realization of our true desires. But fear can be conquered, because in this case fear of rejection exists only in our mind. If we do get rejected, we will be no worse off than we were before.”

“Dr. Albert Ellis, one of the founders of CBT, was famously shy. It is said that he challenged himself to speak to 100 women at the Bronx Botanical Gardens, with the intention of finding a date, to overcome his fear of rejection. In the process he learned that rejection was not as bad as he had feared. He then went on to become a famous CBT expert and even a famous sexologist, with awesome advice on love and dating.

What I have learned from Dr. Ellis is that rejection is a vital part of life—and when you are looking for love and intimacy, rejection will be part of the process. Being able to bounce back from rejection is critical to finding intimate relationships. If you avoid taking a chance for fear of getting hurt, then “nothing ventured nothing gained,” and you will be alone. “Jason Silva, a TV personality and a philosopher, talks about rejection in a video on his Instagram page called “Have You Ever Been Rejected?” He states, “Agony and ecstasy are two sides of the same coin; without the bitter, baby, the sweet is not as sweet.

When the ones we love tell us ‘no way,’ we take it in and we accept it with grace and we feel the ache in gratitude.” Parents, you can teach this to your children. Rejection is good; it is practice for what will happen all the time in life. Teach them not to be afraid to try, to ask that person out, even if it is just for a study group, and if they get rejected, then they should not take it to heart. Chances are the other person will be flattered and be even kinder to them in the future. Many of us remember that person who asked us out and whom we turned down—and whom we were always kinder to afterwards.”

Excerpt From: Lea Lis. “No Shame.” Apple Books.

Question 7

How can people keep their self-esteem intact in the online dating world of ghosting and rejection?

Lea Lis · Accepted Answer

One way to maintain good self-esteem in the face of rejection of ghosting is by mentally reframing the situation (https://www.bustle.com/wellness/rejection-text-messages-experts). Ghosting and rejection can be hurtful, but we can change the way that we interpret it to see how it can be positive. When someone is no longer interested in you, you can spend more time pursuing connections that are interested in you and finding someone you are compatible with. You can choose to view rejection as inviting in new opportunities with a clean slate to find what is best for you.

Question 8

Can you really tell if you like someone by just looking at a picture?

Lea Lis · Accepted Answer

Basically, no. Photographs capture a brief moment of someone's life and it would be nearly impossible for any image to reflect the full spectrum of human experiences. Context is very important (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spycatcher/201405/what-can-you-learn-about-someone-just-photo) to determine anything about a person from a photograph, so if you want to try to determine more about a person from an image, ask yourself, what could have happened before or after this picture was taken? What could have been going on around the subject? Also keep in mind that photographs don’t always truly capture the emotion or reality of the moment in time.

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