Question 1

My boyfriend seems to be obsessed with me, how do I break up with him?

Laura Richards · Accepted Answer

Sorry to hear this. Has there been controlling behaviour in the relationship? How long have you been together? Do you live together? How much does he have invested in the relationship? Has he every threatened you saying things like 'if you were to ever leave me I'd harm you, harm myself" There are lots of things that are unknown to me so it is difficult to give you specific advice. Leaving is a process you should treat it was such. If there has been control and abuse please seek help from the Domestic Abuse Helpline or Paladin www.paladinservice.co.uk

Question 2

How do I know if someone is stalking me?

Laura Richards · Accepted Answer

Stalking is about fixation and obsession. It is intrusive behaviour. Unfortunately they will make themselves known at some point if you are being stalked. That's cold comfort to hear. More info and advice go to www.paladinservice.co.uk

Question 3

I have a girl I only want to be friends with, but now she won't leave me alone. What should I do?

Laura Richards · Accepted Answer

Let her know that you want to be friends and that is all. Set clear boundaries. If you have done that and she is continuing, please look on the Paladin website for further advice and guidance www.paladinservice.co.uk

Question 4

In your experience, how effective are restraining orders in deterring stalkers? What actually works? If someone is referred for treatment, what intervention are they actually receiving?

Laura Richards · Accepted Answer

They may work in a small number of cases. However, I have not seen those cases. Stalking is about fixation and obsession and a piece of paper on it's own will not stop the stalker. Understanding what is motivating the behaviour is key to understand risk, diagnosis, treatment and management. To further complicate - every case is different i.e. stalkers are not homogenous - they stalk for different reasons, and the motivation can change over time. However, in the round stalking is rooted in attachment and relational issues. I tend to see it as a pattern of behaviour across the person's life course. However, those around the person may ignore it, excuse it, rationalise and/or minimise it. The stalker is failed, just as much as the victim, as they need an intervention at the onset of the behaviours. A multi-agency approach is key with a specialist psychologist and an independent stalking advocacy caseworker (ISAC). Paladin have numerous ISACs and we have a network across the UK. More are need in the UK and they are desperately needed in the US.

Question 5

My boyfriend is being stalked by his ex-girlfriend. She is now targeting me. Could she be dangerous? Does she have a mental illness?

Laura Richards · Accepted Answer

I am sorry to hear this. It's difficult to say without knowing the full context of the situation. Potentially anyone who becomes fixated and obsessed is dangerous. A risk assessment is needed to understand the nuanced detail of what is happening, what is motivating the behaviour and how long it has been going on for. If she threatens to harm you or him, my advice it to take all threats seriously. Please go on Paladin's website and contact them should you need further advice ad support www.paladinservice.co.uk

Question 6

Is cyberstalking becoming more of a problem as the world increasingly becomes more digital, and do you think Big Tech are doing enough to protect people?

Laura Richards · Accepted Answer

Yes, tech facilitated abuse is normally part of the behaviour. We live our lives online and IRL. Very little is being done ot protect people by tech companies. Safety is an afterthought in my opinion.

Question 7

What do you think of stalking being linked to mental illness in the media versus issues around coercive control and domestic violence etc? How does mental illness fit with these issues? For example, you frequently hear non-psychotic depression given as a "reason" for some of these behaviours.

Laura Richards · Accepted Answer

I think it unhelpful. Every case must be taken on it's own merit. Some cases are abouut power and control - and that coercive control with stalking post separation is extremely dangerous and too often the media and others do not understand this. Understanding what is motivating the behaviour is key to understand risk, diagnosis, treatment and management. To further complicate - every case is different i.e. stalkers are not homogenous - they stalk for different reasons, and the motivation can change over time. However, in the round stalking is rooted in attachment and relational issues. I tend to see it as a pattern of behaviour across the person's life course. However, those around the person may ignore it, excuse it, rationalise and/or minimise it. The stalker is failed, just as much as the victim, as they need an intervention at the onset of the behaviours. A multi-agency approach is key with a specialist psychologist and an independent stalking advocacy caseworker (ISAC). Paladin have numerous ISACs and we have a network across the UK. More are need in the UK and they are desperately needed in the US.

Question 8

What evidence do victims need to collect in order to get police help?

Laura Richards · Accepted Answer

Everything. So keep a diary - time, date, stamp what happened, who witnessed it and the impact that behaviour had on you. Report it, collect and keep all evidence, get good practical advice from Paladin or a specialist trained specifically to understand stalking and always trust your instinct. I hope that helps. More information  www.paladinservice.co.uk

Question 9

What help/guidance for achieving de-escalation &/or desistance is available?

Laura Richards · Accepted Answer

There's more information on Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service's website www.paladinservice.co.uk Normally it does not stop on it's own and a multi-agency intervention is required.

Question 10

What are some signs that can alert us that a stalker's behaviour is about to escalate to physical violence (i.e. sexual assault/murder)

Laura Richards · Accepted Answer

In domestic violence cases, separation is a key trigger point and where escalation happens. If there is coercive control, pre separation and then separation, stalking, finality and a threat to kill - this is an extremely dangerous situation on a timeline to serious harm and/or homicide. 1 in 2 domestic stalkers who make a threat, will act on it. Predatory stalkers and dangerous too and more likely to be sexually and/or physically violent and escalate to murder. However ALL threats to kill/harm should be taken seriously - it's 1 n 10 of stalkers who make a threat, will act (if there is no relationship).  Stalking is about fixation and obsession. Understanding what is motivating the behaviour is key to understand risk, diagnosis, treatment and management. To further complicate - every case is different i.e. stalkers are not homogenous - they stalk for different reasons, and the motivation can change over time. However, in the round stalking is rooted in attachment and relational issues. I tend to see it as a pattern of behaviour across the person's life course. However, those around the person may ignore it, excuse it, rationalise and/or minimise it. The stalker is failed, just as much as the victim, as they need an intervention at the early onset of the behaviours. A multi-agency approach is key with a specialist psychologist and an independent stalking advocacy caseworker (ISAC). Paladin have numerous ISACs and we have a network across the UK. More are need in the UK and they are desperately needed in the US www.paladinservice.co.uk

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